'sup Tension

On Monday, I joined an awesome group of women from my SoCal church to go paddle boarding and kayaking. I, among many others, decided to try stand-up paddle boarding (SUP) for the first time. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while, so I was excited for the opportunity. 

It was harder than I expected. 

I have experience surfing and kayaking, so I thought SUP could be no different. In surfing you paddle into a swell and let it take over before you pop up. But in SUP, you instead haphazardly push at the water on one side of the board while already standing. And it doesn't take a PhD in physics to know that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Don't worry, I didn't fall in. But as I felt the board toss to and fro, all of my muscles tensed up. My body perceived the threat of this great instability, and it was ready to fight!

I hobbled around the harbor for a while in that rigid state, not falling over but also not moving particularly fast or well. But this was supposed to be easy and fun, so I would persevere and stick it out, darn it!

One of the few experienced folk in our group gently suggested I bend my knees as I begin each stroke, and another recommended leaning in to each stroke to get more power.

I felt the difference immediately.

By bending my knees, my legs were able to loosen up and compensate for the rocking board. In addition to more power, leaning in to the stroke also helped me travel in a straighter line. I started moving faster and more confidently through the water, passing the group and doubling back. It felt wonderful.

But my feet remained tense. Though I wore water shoes that stuck to the surface of the board, my feet continued to desperately try to clamp to the board. (In other words: the effort was utterly useless since my feet could not, in fact, contribute to my grip on the board). It took a conscious effort to tell them, "Feet! You can relax... It's OK!" 

I had to repeat the message several times because my feet were convinced of their need to hold on tightly, still persisting as they began to cramp. 

Eventually, my feet relaxed and I had a delightful time on the water, even jumping in a few times!

The story reminds me of how my summer (and let's be real, my life) has gone. I've found myself feeling unstable in this time of transition, leaving the dock of the familiar with future waves coming toward me. My primary reaction has been to tense up, both literally and figuratively. It's a summer of "freedom" but I've often found myself stressed, on edge, and unable to sleep at night. Yet I sense God gently telling me to lean in to the challenges and let go of my tension:

"Leila! You can relax... It's OK!"

Barn Dance

Last Saturday, I went to a barn dance, and it was great!  It was the second time I had been to one at Pie Ranch, a small idyllic farm off the ocean-front Highway 1.

Barn dances (aka square dances) are super fun for many reasons. One of the more unexpected ones is because they are so structured. That seems a bit counter-intuitive; shouldn’t structure restrict the amount of fun? Au contraire, the structure gives you freedom to more fully enjoy, especially as a beginner! With the basic motions settled, you are free to focus on adding life to your movement and your interactions with others.

Photo from Andy Wilson

The dances actually are a bit like marching band. In both, you have a set of patterns that everyone must follow. In following them together, it becomes something grand!

But if someone decided to just stop and do their own thing,
it could cause a giant pile-up...

From Huffington Post

In sacrificing your independence, 

you can become part of something bigger than yourself.

Granted, the marching band requires a bit more prior instruction/practice to put a field show, but a marching unit/parade band can respond to commands on the fly:

“Forward march; Left flank; right flank”

versus

“Swing yer partner, round and round!” 

OK, so the tone's a bit different, but there are definite similarities there too.

As a bonus, for whatever reason, the structured environment attracts a lot of unique individuals. Maybe both activities are just enough “against the grain.”

Here’s to all of you weirdos!

From http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaY2A4CvfvU

Photo by Ian Billings

All in.

It's been a while since I last posted, but do not fear: my life has not and does not suck, as Nicole so eloquently described.  It's been full, but good… things like moving to live with friends instead of by myself, with mice :-)

Another example, a few weeks ago, I presented a poster at the SLAC LCLS/SSRL Users Meeting (that's a ton of acronyms/words just to say a gathering of people who use powerful x-rays for science). During the main talks of the meeting, the organizers scheduled a window of time where poster presenters could briefly advertise their poster in hopes of attracting more visitors later during the poster session.  I opted to participate and sent in a basic slide with my name and the title of my poster.  So far, this story is rather straightforward and somewhat mundane.  But here's where it gets better…

They encouraged us to be creative in our 45-second spiel. This instantly grabbed my attention due my family's favorite saying:

Creativity is ALWAYS an option.

But it would require work. If you're going to do something truly unexpected, you have to do it well. 

I went for it.

At the poster blitz, I was in the middle of the 20 presenters.  That doesn't sound like a lot until you realize that you're hearing about 20 completely different areas of study.  After around 2, it's hard to focus.  So we get to 10, and here's what I said:

No one knew what to expect after that intro, but by the time I got to the "top of a substrate," the audience was laughing. It was marvelous. They ate it up, and broke the rule of "save the applause for the end," instead loudly applauding me after!  I didn't get many extra visitors, but people did tell me that they really enjoyed my song!

I'm trying to live life like that.
No, not necessarily the singing, though I do enjoy it. 
I'm trying to live all in.  Going for it.  Really digging in to the opportunities I have.

This morning I got the opportunity to do the announcements at my church here.  It was a roller coaster!  I put lots of preparation and practice in, and I still felt nervous up there!  But it was also fun to ham it up a bit and make people laugh. It was quite a rush...

I'm really thankful for the church home I've found here. It took me almost a year in Santa Cruz to actually settle in to a church!  But now I'm connected with a lot of people and involved.  And it feels great.  I know that I do benefit from knowing that I'll be in this area for a while, which makes it easier to put roots down.

But even without that assurance, or others like it, life is more satisfying when you are more present and willing to engage.

Photo Cred Printable Decor

It might not always turn out well (just ask about my brilliant idea to learn to ride my bike with no training wheels!).  But as Don Miller would say, regardless of the outcome, it sure makes for better stories!

And sometimes, you hit it out of the park.

Life Stinks – By Nicole

Howdy ya’ll. Guest writer today, I suppose you could say I’ve taken Leila and her blog hostage. But it’s with her best intentions at heart, I swear. On a recent visit I got to participate in a “day in the lab” under the pretense of “a day in the life of a grad student.” Let me be perfectly clear: it’s horrendous. Why did I commandeer her blog, to do what she can’t, verbalize the warm noisy Hades that has become her life.

All photos by Nicole, of course

The first think you’ve got to know is everything is MacGyvered. Apparently it’s amazing they even get results, and when you look at the tin foil surrounding everything you understand why. Sorry, “aluminum for insulation.” It looks like tinfoil. (Sadly, they haven’t quite mastered the aggie art of “duct tape” to solve all their woes). I must admit, I am impressed that they keep finding ways to make it work, even if it has issues half the time.

Of course if everything had been running smoothly, I wouldn’t have gotten a real glimpse of lab insanity.  True to form, the machine, which had like three things fixed the day before, still needed the almighty solution, power cycle. Thankfully after a moment of foolishly searching for something labeled OFF Leila gave up and just shut off the whole power strip. “Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles” it WORKED!!!

I’d like to pause and put in a disclaimer: In case you haven’t figured out, I don’t understand all the details of what she was doing. She explained in very nice Prof tones, and I tried to follow, but when things get beyond 2+2 I have a way of tuning out. So if you want the actual, sciency details of what Leila’s doing, which’ll probably have you sleeping and drooling within 5 min, you’ll have to ask her.

Here’s how I understand it, you’ve got a square piece of quartz that you’re putting tiny layers of stuff on, like putting fudge frosting on top of mint frosting on brownies. That’s not quite right, maybe more like layers of paint, trying to create a new color? Only I think the first 1 to touch is the strongest? I don’t know, suffice to say, its weird, has tiny layers and if you could see it would ultimately be like a layer cake or something. 

Back to my story; once the beast is running again comes second half of the 1 hour of “fun” or at least the interesting bit. You have to mix some chemical that’s apparently dangerous, so you have to be careful and use only a little bit, otherwise you could die. Like I said the cool part. Sadly, although Leila wore gloves and had a protective glass in front of her, it looked more like someone measuring out Aunt Tilly’s lunchtime medicine at the Nursing Home than anything else. (I do not have an Aunt Tilly. Please know this is a fictitious character not based on anyone specific).

The cleaning and tightening of the chamber for the dangerous substance was kinda cool too. (Small bits of metal can be heavy, who knew?) And then that’s it. You run the “program” to vacuum out the chamber a million times, make sure there’s no life damaging leakage, watch the first minute or 5 of the program and then you sit. Babysitting a stupid machine that makes twice as much noise as a host of bratty, angry two year olds on an airplane.

I’m not kidding, the noise is ridiculous. It makes it so you can’t even think. (Which is not conducive to getting school work done or technical science papers written). When she flipped the blessed switch off in the morning, I didn’t realize what a blessing from heaven that was. 7 hours and a blistering headache later I DID!!!  Do you know how utterly boring it is to sit in a room, not being able to really go anywhere, with tremendous racket for 7 hours with nothing pressing to do? It’s miserable. Its torture, it’s like living murder. Frankly I don’t know how anyone does it.

The title of this blog is “God Loves Leila”. How does this fit that description? First off, it’s definitely teaching her patience, while also forcing her to do things she probably never would have done. (I’m referencing the constant fixing of the machine. Now if only that could translate into practical everyday stuff…Ah drat, I’m teasing Leila. Look, here’s a Kleenex. You can move enough to reach your eye. Oh, that’s your contact, ok, I’ll let you go in a sec).

Now to the real “love of God”, He sent a role model in the form of an angel (that’s me you cynics) to verbalize how truly miserable her lab existence is, that her school life stinks, and it’s ok to feel that way sometimes. What can I say, I’m a Godsend.

Anyway, that’s a glimpse of Leila’s life. If you wanna pray for her, apparently the future research for the remainder of her grad school time’s kinda up in the air. So I know wisdom and guidance will be needed for that. Also, if you have any brilliant ideas of how she can survive the lab, while still maintaining concentration you should shoot those her way.

Ok, ok, I’ll stop holding you hostage. If you’ll excuse me folks, I think it’s about time for me to dash out and make a fast getaway. See ya, when I see ya.

-Nicole Out!

Ransacked

This morning I found my car door ajar, my stuff ransacked, and my GPS gone. My car was in my driveway, not 10ft from where I was sleeping.

At first, I was largely frustrated at losing the GPS and my apparent failure to lock my car (since there was no sign of forced entry).  But I realized that besides the foolish loss of property, I was shaken.  I felt violated, unsafe, and vulnerable.

Just last night, I spoke with a friend about how some neighborhoods in the area are less safe and that I considered mine to be more safe.  But this too was taken from me.  I found myself jumping at street noises and feeling suspicious of people in the neighborhood, after just last night feeling safe and content walking to and from Safeway in the fading light.

Yet the more I think about it, the more I'm finding myself grateful for the experience.

I can now see a little bit of how much I find security in the world around me, and how that isn't nearly as safe or reliable as I thought.  And in placing so much weight on the stuff I can see (and feel like I can control), I'm not really relying on God for safety. 

Yet He's the only one with any true control over my life.  
Each and every breath I breathe is a gift of God. 

He guards my life.  And I can't compete with that. I have nothing to offer that can be bigger or stronger than the Creator of the Universe.

All I can choose is how to respond. I can cling to my fears and the things in this world that make me feel safer*. Or I can live into the truth that the LORD is my shepherd, and I shall not want.

The latter promises a freer life.  Simpler, yes. But happier. 
And I've just seen how the first can crumble overnight.
 
I praise God for this experience that showed me places I'm holding back, areas I haven't entrusted to Him, and I thank God for keeping me safe from harm.
(In this case, my possessions too – even the GPS unit was later found in the car!)

*As a disclaimer, I still fully support being smart about your safety – we have brains for a reason – and I for one plan to be extra conscientious of locking my car after I get out! :-)

Not Working

A true Sabbath always seemed impossible in my mind. As a student, Sundays were the key to getting things done before the week started. But I realized I'm not really taking classes anymore, so why not now? What excuse do I have?

This line of thinking started almost three weeks ago at a small group meeting where we talked about work:

• God values all work since it is cultivating Creation
• Work for God instead of other people/yourself
• And to that end, working HARD and giving your best
• But with that, it's also okay to take breaks when needed – God approves and it often makes you more productive overall!

Today is the third Sunday I've endeavored to take a Sabbath, both by not working and by resting. Both are difficult in their own right!

Not working has meant more discipline on Saturdays and the other days of the week, something I still lack.  The first Sunday of not working, I was so excited. I really felt energized and ready to face to full week of work! ...That lasted all of two hours on Monday haha.  It was a really good two hours!  But then I lost my focus, and the week piled on the work and sleep fell by the wayside...

(This is hilarious at 2am)

So, I still have some growing to do in discipline!  But even with the struggles involved with not working, it is really nice to take a break from even just thinking about things I could/should be doing.

The act of resting is one I'm also still figuring out... more than just not working, it takes an effort to rest. Today I lay down for a while and took some time to journal these thoughts.  I'm trying to find ways to create more space in my Sundays, spending less time distracted on the computer and more time being present. So far I've been able to connect with people more, and I hope that continues.


At this point, I'd say my taking a Sabbath is not working all the way yet, but I think I'm heading in a good direction. I'm trying to avoid legalism, and I'm instead focusing on the heart of what I'm moving towards.

In the big picture, it boils down to remembering and enjoying how God loves me!

Javert vs. Valjean

Last night I finally got to see Les Mis!!!
[Naturally, this contains SPOILERS if you haven't seen it yet.]

[all images from imdb.com]

The powerful story and beautiful music already captured my attention years ago, but the movie brought it all together magnificently.  Particularly impacting to me was Javert's gesture of respect to the boy. Utterly unexpected, and a beautiful glimpse of a softened heart.  This started a discussion with my companions on Javert, that later kept me awake in thought:

Why did Javert say Jean Valjean sparing his life cost him his life?  Why did he then kill himself? 

Javert is the law.

 

All of Javert's life, all of his being is dedicated to following the law. Justice as not just the ultimate, but the only solution.  A person who steals a loaf of bread to keep his sister's son is forever identified as a criminal: "Men like you can never change" The law permanently views anyone who does wrong as a failure.

But then Javert's world collides with that of Jean Valjean, and we see the clash of justice and mercy.  An act of mercy (and grace) redefines Jean Valjean's life.  He moves away from the law's mentality of "an eye for an eye," and an incredible life follows of him loving  and serving others.  This is expressed most powerfully by his decision to spare Javert when given the chance to kill him.  Javert recognizes the good and spares Valjean's life because of it, but he cannot reconcile Valjean's mercy with his rigid observance of the law.  Javert couldn't conceive of life with more than just the black and white of the law.

Besides answering an interesting question (and reminding myself of my long-past days of AP English), why does this matter?

Beyond the scope of this movie and beautiful story, beyond the country of France or any other, the law exists in my life. The law, like Javert, is relentless in its fairness. And by doing any one thing wrong, I become a criminal. A person not to be welcomed or trusted. [This may be hard to believe, but I've already done things wrong, folks.]

But, in an act of wild mercy, God created and offered the way of freedom from the law. He re-identified me as his beloved daughter, not as a criminal.  Much like the priest identifying Valjean as his brother.

 

"Mercy triumphs over judgement!"

Valjean and Javert each received a wild moment of mercy when they were facing death.

(Did you notice they both had been bloodied on the the side of the head?) 


Their lives mirror the two basic responses to mercy.  I can choose:

to continue in the logical and fair way of the law, 
even with its harsh and exacting requirements
-or-
to accept the unfairness of mercy and live in new freedom.

Unique Hazards

I never would've guessed the most dangerous unique hazard to me isn't even inside the facility...

...but just the gate to get in!

This gate revolves freely to let people out, but is more controlled to get in.  You place your badge in the box, call the security desk, and they push a button so that the gate allows one person in at a time. Pretty straightforward, right?

Well this time as I approached the unlocked gate, I noticed it was left at an in-between point. I could maybe squeeze to get in the front gap, but it'd be tough with my backpack, so I opted for the later gap.  Before I made it through, however, the gate abruptly stopped. 

My face did not.

I was left with a Rudolph nose, a headache, and a wonderment of "who'da thunk it?"  It's straight out of a comedy! :-)

Anyway, in part due to the slight headache, I wasn't particularly looking forward to the drive home tonight/this morning––3 am.  The main reason, though, was these rain dumps.  I had already made some crazy drives over Highway 17:
...where the rain was coming so thick from the sky and the road that my wipers weren't fast enough
...where I found all the potholes and ruts because I was suddenly driving through a river
...where the clouds are so low that you can only see the lights of the other cars, even in the middle of the day.

Disclaimer: I did drive safely those other times, and it helped that they were during daylight.  All that to say I wasn't excited about driving through it in the middle of the night, when it's already hard to see the winding road in front of you.

But I put on the second half of Roger Williams' seminar on "Yahweh Sabaoth: The Lord of Hosts," and that was great to hear.  It's already amazing just in that Roger was diagnosed with cancer in March, and this is the first he's been able to speak since.  And man, his trust in God through everything is beautiful, and I'm honored to witness some of it.  But then he's also describing how mighty God really is, that He can move the stars around, or stop the sun, or send a fire bulldozer in the midst of a raging forest fire to protect a Christian camp. Man, so often I forget that He can do all that.  Or at the very least, I don't live it out in the everyday.

Anyway, as I left Los Gatos and started the windy ascent of Highway 17, I came up on a small cluster of cars.  It made me a bit nervous at first because it meant I'd probably need to pass them or there was random traffic?

But as I got closer, I first realized they were going at a very reasonable speed, between the speed limit (50mph) and down to 10 below it when the conditions got bad.  I also became aware that they were going together... that even though it was less speed/gas efficient to travel together, they were staying in one line, as a group.

I quickly saw the value in this and stayed behind them. 

And the whole way, the cars lit up the road before me and also alerted me as to when I should slow down.

We took over the left lane when it seemed drier than the right lane, and it worked because we didn't encounter any other cars until we reached the edge of Santa Cruz (it was 3am, mind you).  I realized then that it was an entourage of two Mini Coopers flanking a sporty car, maybe a convertible.

And it clicked that if God is the Lord of Hosts, over all the Universe,
He could send a caravan of cars to guide me along the most treacherous highway, through the rain, in the darkness of 3am:

All those unique hazards? Totally within His power.
Thanks, God.

Be Prepared?

Tonight as I drove from one food gathering with friends to another such event with food, I saw a homeless man.  It was only out of the corner of my eye, as the cars in the left turn pocket drove away.  I didn't have enough time to read most of his sign except maybe "VETERAN" and "HUNGRY."  I wanted to just keep on ignoring him, but the "hungry" part got to me, and I found myself lunging across my car to grab a grown-up version of a Lunchable.

Rolling down my window and aware that the light was about to change, I called out, "Do you want food?"

He answered, "Yeah!  Just throw it!"

So I chucked my Lunchable towards him, and for a brief moment it looked like it would crash into his face (that loses Good Samaritan points right there).  But then it neatly landed on the far side of the lane, right next to the curb below him.

The light meanwhile has turned green, and I am still stopped with a car behind me.

He calls out, "Thanks!" and I start to move forward, half-calling "God bless!"

I don't know if he heard it or not. 
I also don't know why I hesitated. I think in part because it feels like such a canned, knee-jerk response, and I have much more thought behind it than that. 

But how do you convey the love of God in an instant?

"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have [with gentleness and respect]." (1 Peter 3:15)

That's something for me to consider and prepare.  
Any suggestions for a fresher response, one that feels less canned?

Deep Thinking

Two nights ago, I found time to watch a talk given at The Masters College entitled, “Why are we so distracted?”

By the end of the video, I was tossing my phone aside and avoiding my habitual clicks to Facebook.  

(I’m still addicted, by the way, but I'm at least more aware of the impact it has and slowly shifting towards a change)



I recommend watching it if you can; this blog will only scratch the surface.

But beyond raising my awareness of distractions, the message also got me thinking. (big surprise)

The speaker mentions he believes Solomon didn’t instantly receive all his wisdom in one divine instant, but rather he had to continue to work at the wisdom over time. 

The speaker gives an example from Proverbs 24:30-34: Solomon notices a run-down field while out on a walk.
When he ponders his observation, Solomon gains wisdom.

 

God had told Solomon to “ask for whatever you want me to give you,” and Solomon (wisely) asks for wisdom, which pleased God. 

It reminded me: God likes to give us things that honor Him.

And I wondered, what would I ask God to give me?

Since He likes to give us things that bring Him glory, it’s a worthwhile question. Not that I expect to be the next Solomon (pray that I don’t, based on how he turned out in the end, sadly). But it is the kind of prayer God wants to answer, so why not ask?

I endeavored to ponder this question… on the bike shuttle’s ride up to campus, during the minute while my lunch cooked in the microwave, and in little snippets like that. I wanted to come up with something Godly and yet also unique from Solomon (yup, that was a bit prideful).

I didn’t get any clear answers. At the very least, I realized I don’t leave much space in my life for careful reflection and prayer…

Meanwhile, Graduate Christian Fellowship is currently in the first chapter of James. Through the retreat’s devotional time this morning, God showed me how He helps you endure trials and overcome temptation:

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” (James 1:5)

BOOM. That put me in my place. 

Now I’m asking God for wisdom:

To know He is at work in my life even in the trying times.

To see past the fear and despair that cause me to sin.

To live in His Kingdom rather than in my little world of stress.

What would you ask God to give you?

Divine Interruptions

I'm currently spending the majority of my time studying for my upcoming qualifying exams, and I appreciate any and all prayers for me in this challenging stage.  Pray for me to stay close to God, where I am at peace, and to trust Him in each and every moment of every day.  He is being faithful, and I'm sure I will share more on this subject at some point.  For now I want to describe a cool adventure God led me through on Sunday.

It all started with an awesome sermon in the morning.  Here's some of what I heard:

Feeding of 5,000
The disciples were coming off an intense time of ministry, where they went without a cloak, stayed in other people's homes, etc.  They were ready for some R&R with Jesus, who was planning on it as well.  But when crowds followed, Jesus welcomed them.  The disciples were tired and didn't want to deal with it... But that's where God stepped in with a divine intervention.

"God's divine intervention for someone may be a divine interruption for you and your plans."

(From http://youtu.be/fC3FLqDgWRE)

Interruptions sounded like a frustrating and scary thing, especially since I am in a season of trying to focus!  But as we took Communion, I offered myself to God for His will above my own.  I knew it could entail things I didn't want, like getting distracted from studying, not passing my quals, and so on; but it also felt like my best bet.  So (even though I continually have to do this), I gave it all to Him… all the fish and bread I had to offer.

I didn't expect Him to respond so quickly.

After the service, my friend Terry was showing a young couple around the church and I was tagging along.  As we moved to the sanctuary, out of the corner of my eye I noticed a woman on a bench drop her binder.  Normally I'd try to ignore such an event to lessen the embarrassment the person must be feeling, but the woman did not seem to be quite right… she was somehow unfocused/too stiff, and not immediately diving for the binder and scattered papers.  Without a chance to think about it, I stopped down and began to gather the loose papers. 
This is where it gets cool.

The woman responded, "Oh goodness, thank you so much.  I was sitting here not knowing what to do, and praying, 'Dear Jesus, help me!' and all of a sudden you're here picking up my papers!"

I didn't even have a response, so I just kept picking up papers.  Terry and her friend asked the woman if she's okay and found out she was hypoglycemic and having an attack!  They offered to find her food, and she was able to find some in her purse.  She stabilized, and so I handed her the disordered binder.  She again thanked me and introduced herself, Robin.  I introduced myself and then we were separated as I continued the tour with Terry and her new friend.  But Robin and I will both remember that interruption.

I then had a lovely afternoon with friends from church, Terry and Rob, as they welcomed me into their home and showed me their beautiful farm… we picked apples, sat in the sunshine, ate amazing food, rode a HUGE rope swing, and enjoyed each others company.  It was a great interruption to my normal studying schedule, a real Sabbath.

I left with a big bag of apples and pears, a box of eggs, the first Indian corn of the season, and a happy heart!  I also left a bit later than planned, which meant I had to forgo cooking my planned side dish for the potluck and find a plan B.



I made it to Safeway not even 10 minutes before the potluck started (across town, mind you).  My plan was to grab some hummus and pita chips but I failed to find either and quickly gave up, resorting to a bag of cookies.  I skipped the self-checkout line (which always seems to take longer than it should) and instead headed to the Express Lane, where I recognized the friendly checker.  Seeing my single item, a woman with a big cart allowed me to go in front of her, which I gratefully accepted.  There was just one person in front of me, who was in the process of checking out.  I carefully prepared everything I needed for the checkout to go smoothly and efficiently.  But I started to notice the woman in front of me was not smoothly finishing.  She seemed a bit concerned about the price and wasn't getting her club card to work.  The cashier was very patient and eventually got the discount applied: "That'll be $22.77, miss."
Woman: "What? The price tag said 18.93, I'm sure of it!"
Checker: "Well miss, the only way to check that is if we go look ourselves..."
Woman: "I only have this $20 bill… see, I don't have any pockets, my mom just gave me this!"

All the while I am not getting to my said potluck, so with initially rather selfish motives, I found myself looking in my wallet.  There in my wallet, I had exact change for $2.77.  So I carefully gathered it and offered it to the woman.

She was shocked: "Oh no, you don't need to do that!" ("It's okay, it's just two bucks") "Gosh, I feel like a homeless person.  I'm not a homeless person, really!"

I assured her that I knew she wasn't a homeless person, and the checker also encouraged her to accept the money, so eventually she did.  She then turned to me and said:

"Thank you so much… my family is in a rough time right now, a relative just died and so we're trying to have some family time together, but my mom's out in the car having a breakdown, and I know this will help her."

Wow. I no longer cared about being late to the potluck… I was so honored to get to play a part in this story, and to play a part even though my heart wasn't in the right place at first.  It was as though God spent the day showing off!  Or, more accurately, revealing Himself and His heart for others to me.  I want to keep that perspective in mind each and every day, so that I can see the needs around me and allow for interruptions...


P.S. An interesting side note is the idea of need.  The woman at Safeway really did not want to be seen as "in need."  And it's so rare that anyone would get an opportunity to help someone that way.  It's hard to admit that we aren't completely self-sufficient and to then accept the help of others… it's certainly humbling.  I suppose this is something for me to remember when I am in a place of needing help from others!

A Prayer

These verses caught my eye, from Hebrews 13:20-21.  The context of the chapter (along with the entire book) makes it more powerful, so I'll at least give a run-down of the chapter.

The chapter exhorts the people to live selflessly:
Keep on loving each other as brothers,
Entertain strangers,

Remember those in prison as if you were in prison,
Keep yourselves free from love of money and be content with what you have (because God will never leave you nor forsake you),
Let your hearts be strengthened by grace,
Continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise,
Remember to do good and share (Kindergarten lesson we all still need),
And obey your leaders and submit to their authority.

All of that leads to this conclusion, where the foundation for the selfless acts is revealed.  This is my prayer for you and me:

May the God of peace...
equip you with everything good for doing his will,
and may he work in us what is pleasing to him,
through Jesus Christ,
to whom be the glory for ever and ever.

Amen.

Yadira

It's been quite a while since my last post, and I'm sorry for the radio silence.  It was a crazy intense quarter, which rolled into the first part of summer too.  But know that God was definitely still at work in my life, even if I didn't post about it.  For now, more current!

Monterey with my awesome family (click on images for larger versions)

Tim mimics the seals we saw :-P

Last week I soaked up a week at Mount Hermon with my family and wonderful friends from my church (some of the regulars sure were missed though!).

I'm always encouraged after spending time with these people...
lots of laughter,
life sharing, 
adventures,
and joy.


I also find myself refreshed by getting to meet with God.  One of the things He showed me this week is that even if my work doesn't seem to directly influence people, I can use the money I make to do so.  Thus, I CAN still help people in developing countries and ministries here by what I do have entrusted to me.  This is so exciting!

A specific ministry that has been on my heart and mind for years is child sponsorship.  I'm most familiar with World Vision, but I know there are other organizations out there that are doing similar work.  The basic premise is that you pay about a dollar a day to help a kid get clean water from sustainable sources, healthy food, an education, etc.

It's wild to me that so little of my money can save someone's life.

For years, I've pushed aside the call to get involved with this because I never was consistently making money to be able to commit to it.  But now I have a (albeit low-paying) steady job.  And God showed me I can step out and love on another one of His kids.

So, with great excitement, I'd like to introduce you all to  

Yadira Mendoza Huaraca

Yadira is almost 1 year old (bday Aug 12, 2011).  I am just starting to learn more about her, her family, and her community, but I am pleased to report that her favorite activity is playing with musical rattles––we may have a future musician here! :-D

I was first drawn to her because she's from Peru, and I actually know something about Peru after visiting twice and spending time with kids there.  It's a special place for me, which makes Yadira more precious.  But I didn't know how to pick one child out of the many from Peru, until I saw Yadira, who shares the name of a friend and previous roommate.  Having that positive name association makes loving Yadira more natural, even though I know so little about her.  I don't expect she'll be able to write much herself for a while, but I hope to write letters to her, at least once a year and maybe more often.  I hope I can get to know her.

I am honored by the idea that God can use me to help Yadira live.  And this is such a natural extension of following Jesus that it feels as though I am taking another step towards LIVING out my faith instead of hiding/burying it inside.

I can't wait to see what's ahead!

Community

Whew, it has been a while sine I've had time to get around to writing a blog post!  This post may get a little bit long, and I may also get around to writing another one sometime too.

"More and more I see that grad school is a continual state of being humbled." (Sunday night)

I was frustrated with a homework assignment not going well and stressed with finals looming.  I've been learning that when I trust God, things worked out great! (Amen!).  But yet again, things were not going great.  I had spent all weekend trying to finish this homework assignment and had made no progress.  I finally let go of my pride and sought the help of someone else in the class.  That was incredibly helpful and at least got me to the place of being able to write stuff down.  At the same time, it was very humbling to need to ask for help, to admit that I alone cannot survive.

Later in the week, I read a blog post called "Losing Limbs and Finding People."  It explored how disasters create community due to a sense of "we're all in this together"ness.  In the everyday life, however, we forget that each person around us has the same basic desires as we do.  You can read the full post here: http://drkellyflanagan.com/2012/03/09/losing-limbs-and-finding-people/

These two incidents, with God at work, prepared me for what I encountered yesterday as I drove into the Safeway parking lot in Watsonville.  On the corner, I saw a woman holding a sign that looked something like this:

I'm already familiar with seeing people looking for money (especially now that I'm in SC!), but the hungry part caught my attention.  What can I say, I really like food.  I kept thinking about the woman as I went in Safeway, and then it popped into my head: I could get her a Cliff bar!  Those things are cheap and practically a meal by themselves with how filling and protein-packed they are!  It seemed like something I would really appreciate getting if I was hungry.  Certainly better than ice cream, which would be amazing at first and then either make me sick or melt.  And I knew I'd be happy to keep the Cliff bars if it didn't work out.

I finished my shopping, but I still hadn't found the Cliff bars... I walked back and forth over the length of the store without seeing them.  Along the way, another idea popped into my head: a Naked fruit smoothie!  Those are so delicious and healthy, and especially good if your mouth is dry, perhaps from a Cliff bar.  I found the smoothies, even found a non-brand name one that was cheaper and had 30g of protein, and thus also finally found the Cliff bars. 

I drove out the same entrance I came in, but the woman was gone! I was a bit bewildered and disappointed, but I kept looking for her as I drove out.  Sure enough, she was at the next driveway down.  Unfortunately I didn't see her in time, and had cars behind me with nowhere to pull over. But I was too invested by this point to give up that easily... I turned into the back of the shopping center, and looped around the shopping center to come out the correct driveway.

Rolling down my window, I asked, "Would you like... I have Cliff bars and juice...?"  She answered "Oh, sure!" and accepted the bag, which I later realized made it impossible for her to know what exactly I was handing her.  But she still told me "Thank you.  Have a wonderful day!"  I replied the same to her and "God bless you!"  It feels so cliche but yet important to mention.

As I went on my way, I first felt a wave of giddiness... Success! Oh, happiness!

Closely following that was a much quieter emotion.  The woman had looked like a typical homeless person, until I got close.  When I looked past her worn face, I saw life in her eyes.  Her voice wasn't rough, but warm, like any one of my friend's voice.

I am not so different from her. Sure, I have much better circumstances: an amazing family, great friends, and the opportunity to get an education.  But change a few things around, and that could be me.

I've been left hungry for understanding.  It's not fun to have to ask for help.

Maybe realizing the similarities I have with others is the first step towards community.  Rather than feeling as though I've earned the position I'm in. 

I've heard that rich people don't (proportionally) give away as much as poorer people.  Because the rich identify less with the poor.

May I always be poor in spirit.

"What miracle would you ask Jesus for today?" (6/6/08)

Last night I was reading parts of my Bible reading/prayer journal from Cal Poly, and I came across this gem of an entry:

It's so beautiful, now.

At the time, this came from a place of pain: trying to trust God while sorting through the appalling love that allowed my aunt's sudden death, a month before.  It was hard.

Or I can remember when I found out Grandpa had cancer, which was bad enough on its own.  Once I got past the initial shock, however, the toughest part was wrestling with the fact that he still didn't believe in God, that he might not go to Heaven.  And that even if that occurred, God is still good?
Another hard truth to swallow.

But in this case, God was so gracious in bringing about change, just in time.  Just days before his death, my Grandpa said,

"I believe."

Praise God. He is so good.

Glorious Sunset

(Written 1/5/2012)

Yesterday, I saw the most beautiful sunset. The drive in general was gorgeous: blue, sunny skies with awesome ocean views and temperatures in the high 70s. But the sunset took the cake.

The sun went down a bit early because I was in between two large mountain ranges, in a valley.  This made me sad at first.  But then the sun lit up all the clouds with a brilliant and majestic pink.  For 360º, these beautiful clouds surrounded me.  My favorite was the center of it, where it was the most bright and textured.  The clouds were wildly beautiful, and the light made the range's silhouette pop out––this was not some flat picture, but a huge 3D living canvas that was bigger than I could take in.



As the pink faded from the sky, I expected it was over. 
But I had made it past the hills to where there was more light, and instead witnessed a striking golden sky, with a full range of color within. 
I kept stealing glances, looking for as long as I dared (while driving). 
It was so awe-inspiring; I turned off the radio to sing music more fitting for the grand display:

 

This song became my prayer. 
God, I want to want you more, and be more committed and disciplined in following you.

It's a Christmas Miracle!

Sidenote: This is a fairly long post, but it's worth the read.  And at the very least, it gives a glimpse into physics grad school classes...

E&M (electricity & magnetism) has always been my weakest sub-subject in physics.  I'm still trying to understand some of the concepts in the basic version of it that all engineers and such have to take in college.  It was a class that I always barely managed to squeak by in.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to taking it this past quarter in grad school.  Every physics grad school uses the same ridiculously hard (and hard-to-understand) E&M book by Jackson.  It's been that way for years and I think it'll continue, if only to serve as a rite of passage for each generation of physics grad students.

I was further discouraged to find out that we had perhaps the toughest professor at UCSC teaching it (the other contender is the professor teaching E&M 2 next quarter!).  He's a brilliant man, but his mouth can move almost as fast as his brain... which results in him rattling things off and the class struggling to comprehend it all, let alone take notes on it.  My "favorite" moments in class were when he'd stand in front of the whiteboard, writing things that we/I couldn't see and then modifying them as he went!  It was hard for me, as more of a visual learner.  Overall, however, he really did seem to care and want to help.  We just weren't at his level of intelligence, so it was tough.

The class structure was weekly homework assignments (super tough), but instead of turning in the homework for a grade, we were given a quiz on one of the homework problems (randomly).  I had several consecutive weeks of scoring around a 5 (out of 10).  Each week, I was so thankful to be able to get any points... sometimes it would come from office hours right before, or a friend showing me how they did most of a problem (and then the quiz was that one).  Each week, I'd pray, and each week, God showed His faithfulness.  It really built my trust in Him.  I sent this to Nicole after class one day, after I had been freaking out before the class... she later sent it back to me as a reminder:

A week ago, all that trust came into question with the dreaded E&M final.  I had prepared and studied about as much as I could in the days leading up to it, and it was just hard.  Ridiculously so.  I looked at through the test and was nearly completely at a loss.  I remembered my brother's wisdom from his professor: "OK, I do know some stuff, there must be something I can do..." and I kept going.  After about 20 minutes, I had written out about all that was in my brain.  But I knew I couldn't leave; then it would just look like I didn't care.  So I forced myself to stay, to keep going.  The three hours dragged on... at times, there was nothing for me to write, but I stayed and tried to look thoughtful, tried to not breakdown in the final, resisted the urge to run away screaming (generally considered bad form).  I answered 2 of the 4 questions with some semblance of correctness (but no final/complete result).  Another problem I went off with a method that I think was completely off-base and wrong to even consider, but I needed to write something down.  The last problem, I was completely clueless on.  I wrote down what was given in the problem and was at a loss from there.  I ended up using the space to write a note to the professor, admitting that my final was sad even though I had studied and tried hard.  And that I was willing to do some sort of extra work to make up for my low scores if necessary, just please, please do not fail me. (Our program only requires you to take classes pass/fail, rather than needing a grade... beyond grad school, who cares??)

The end of the third hour finally struck; my torture was over.  Other students were definitely traumatized, but to a lesser extent: "I think I'll be luck to get 50% on that... that was the hardest test I've ever taken." 
For me, I was wondering if it was possible for me to get 20%... I spoke more about the test with Jen afterward, and this confirmed my fears.  In texting with Nicole about it later, she was surprised and depressed too.  We had been praying for God to once again come through in crazy ways, but it looked like our prayers did no good.  Except perhaps to help me to actually keep staring at the impossible test instead of sobbing like a two year old.

After the test, I also heard about a chemistry student who had been in the class and was told by the professor to drop so that he didn't fail... I also heard about 2nd years that will be in both our E&M 2 class AND our Quantum Mechanics 1 class next quarter... so people do apparently fail classes... eeg. 

I didn't even want to think about not being allowed to take E&M 2 and having to find other classes to take instead, or getting kicked out of the program...

The final was on Monday, and I heard nothing from the professor for over a week.  Grades were due yesterday, and as of 5pm, he still hadn't posted anything... ARGH (I had been checking religiously since Monday).  I finally checked once more at the end of the day, 9:30pm, and I got this:

I PASSED!?!  I don't understand how this is possible, so it must be God at work.  I am so grateful to have passed E&M 1... it's a huge relief.  I feel like I can finally relax in earnest.  I can do grad school; He will see me through it.  Thank you, God.