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Whew, it has been a while sine I've had time to get around to writing a blog post!  This post may get a little bit long, and I may also get around to writing another one sometime too.

"More and more I see that grad school is a continual state of being humbled." (Sunday night)

I was frustrated with a homework assignment not going well and stressed with finals looming.  I've been learning that when I trust God, things worked out great! (Amen!).  But yet again, things were not going great.  I had spent all weekend trying to finish this homework assignment and had made no progress.  I finally let go of my pride and sought the help of someone else in the class.  That was incredibly helpful and at least got me to the place of being able to write stuff down.  At the same time, it was very humbling to need to ask for help, to admit that I alone cannot survive.

Later in the week, I read a blog post called "Losing Limbs and Finding People."  It explored how disasters create community due to a sense of "we're all in this together"ness.  In the everyday life, however, we forget that each person around us has the same basic desires as we do.  You can read the full post here: http://drkellyflanagan.com/2012/03/09/losing-limbs-and-finding-people/

These two incidents, with God at work, prepared me for what I encountered yesterday as I drove into the Safeway parking lot in Watsonville.  On the corner, I saw a woman holding a sign that looked something like this:

I'm already familiar with seeing people looking for money (especially now that I'm in SC!), but the hungry part caught my attention.  What can I say, I really like food.  I kept thinking about the woman as I went in Safeway, and then it popped into my head: I could get her a Cliff bar!  Those things are cheap and practically a meal by themselves with how filling and protein-packed they are!  It seemed like something I would really appreciate getting if I was hungry.  Certainly better than ice cream, which would be amazing at first and then either make me sick or melt.  And I knew I'd be happy to keep the Cliff bars if it didn't work out.

I finished my shopping, but I still hadn't found the Cliff bars... I walked back and forth over the length of the store without seeing them.  Along the way, another idea popped into my head: a Naked fruit smoothie!  Those are so delicious and healthy, and especially good if your mouth is dry, perhaps from a Cliff bar.  I found the smoothies, even found a non-brand name one that was cheaper and had 30g of protein, and thus also finally found the Cliff bars. 

I drove out the same entrance I came in, but the woman was gone! I was a bit bewildered and disappointed, but I kept looking for her as I drove out.  Sure enough, she was at the next driveway down.  Unfortunately I didn't see her in time, and had cars behind me with nowhere to pull over. But I was too invested by this point to give up that easily... I turned into the back of the shopping center, and looped around the shopping center to come out the correct driveway.

Rolling down my window, I asked, "Would you like... I have Cliff bars and juice...?"  She answered "Oh, sure!" and accepted the bag, which I later realized made it impossible for her to know what exactly I was handing her.  But she still told me "Thank you.  Have a wonderful day!"  I replied the same to her and "God bless you!"  It feels so cliche but yet important to mention.

As I went on my way, I first felt a wave of giddiness... Success! Oh, happiness!

Closely following that was a much quieter emotion.  The woman had looked like a typical homeless person, until I got close.  When I looked past her worn face, I saw life in her eyes.  Her voice wasn't rough, but warm, like any one of my friend's voice.

I am not so different from her. Sure, I have much better circumstances: an amazing family, great friends, and the opportunity to get an education.  But change a few things around, and that could be me.

I've been left hungry for understanding.  It's not fun to have to ask for help.

Maybe realizing the similarities I have with others is the first step towards community.  Rather than feeling as though I've earned the position I'm in. 

I've heard that rich people don't (proportionally) give away as much as poorer people.  Because the rich identify less with the poor.

May I always be poor in spirit.

"What miracle would you ask Jesus for today?" (6/6/08)

Last night I was reading parts of my Bible reading/prayer journal from Cal Poly, and I came across this gem of an entry:

It's so beautiful, now.

At the time, this came from a place of pain: trying to trust God while sorting through the appalling love that allowed my aunt's sudden death, a month before.  It was hard.

Or I can remember when I found out Grandpa had cancer, which was bad enough on its own.  Once I got past the initial shock, however, the toughest part was wrestling with the fact that he still didn't believe in God, that he might not go to Heaven.  And that even if that occurred, God is still good?
Another hard truth to swallow.

But in this case, God was so gracious in bringing about change, just in time.  Just days before his death, my Grandpa said,

"I believe."

Praise God. He is so good.

Glorious Sunset

(Written 1/5/2012)

Yesterday, I saw the most beautiful sunset. The drive in general was gorgeous: blue, sunny skies with awesome ocean views and temperatures in the high 70s. But the sunset took the cake.

The sun went down a bit early because I was in between two large mountain ranges, in a valley.  This made me sad at first.  But then the sun lit up all the clouds with a brilliant and majestic pink.  For 360º, these beautiful clouds surrounded me.  My favorite was the center of it, where it was the most bright and textured.  The clouds were wildly beautiful, and the light made the range's silhouette pop out––this was not some flat picture, but a huge 3D living canvas that was bigger than I could take in.



As the pink faded from the sky, I expected it was over. 
But I had made it past the hills to where there was more light, and instead witnessed a striking golden sky, with a full range of color within. 
I kept stealing glances, looking for as long as I dared (while driving). 
It was so awe-inspiring; I turned off the radio to sing music more fitting for the grand display:

 

This song became my prayer. 
God, I want to want you more, and be more committed and disciplined in following you.

It's a Christmas Miracle!

Sidenote: This is a fairly long post, but it's worth the read.  And at the very least, it gives a glimpse into physics grad school classes...

E&M (electricity & magnetism) has always been my weakest sub-subject in physics.  I'm still trying to understand some of the concepts in the basic version of it that all engineers and such have to take in college.  It was a class that I always barely managed to squeak by in.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to taking it this past quarter in grad school.  Every physics grad school uses the same ridiculously hard (and hard-to-understand) E&M book by Jackson.  It's been that way for years and I think it'll continue, if only to serve as a rite of passage for each generation of physics grad students.

I was further discouraged to find out that we had perhaps the toughest professor at UCSC teaching it (the other contender is the professor teaching E&M 2 next quarter!).  He's a brilliant man, but his mouth can move almost as fast as his brain... which results in him rattling things off and the class struggling to comprehend it all, let alone take notes on it.  My "favorite" moments in class were when he'd stand in front of the whiteboard, writing things that we/I couldn't see and then modifying them as he went!  It was hard for me, as more of a visual learner.  Overall, however, he really did seem to care and want to help.  We just weren't at his level of intelligence, so it was tough.

The class structure was weekly homework assignments (super tough), but instead of turning in the homework for a grade, we were given a quiz on one of the homework problems (randomly).  I had several consecutive weeks of scoring around a 5 (out of 10).  Each week, I was so thankful to be able to get any points... sometimes it would come from office hours right before, or a friend showing me how they did most of a problem (and then the quiz was that one).  Each week, I'd pray, and each week, God showed His faithfulness.  It really built my trust in Him.  I sent this to Nicole after class one day, after I had been freaking out before the class... she later sent it back to me as a reminder:

A week ago, all that trust came into question with the dreaded E&M final.  I had prepared and studied about as much as I could in the days leading up to it, and it was just hard.  Ridiculously so.  I looked at through the test and was nearly completely at a loss.  I remembered my brother's wisdom from his professor: "OK, I do know some stuff, there must be something I can do..." and I kept going.  After about 20 minutes, I had written out about all that was in my brain.  But I knew I couldn't leave; then it would just look like I didn't care.  So I forced myself to stay, to keep going.  The three hours dragged on... at times, there was nothing for me to write, but I stayed and tried to look thoughtful, tried to not breakdown in the final, resisted the urge to run away screaming (generally considered bad form).  I answered 2 of the 4 questions with some semblance of correctness (but no final/complete result).  Another problem I went off with a method that I think was completely off-base and wrong to even consider, but I needed to write something down.  The last problem, I was completely clueless on.  I wrote down what was given in the problem and was at a loss from there.  I ended up using the space to write a note to the professor, admitting that my final was sad even though I had studied and tried hard.  And that I was willing to do some sort of extra work to make up for my low scores if necessary, just please, please do not fail me. (Our program only requires you to take classes pass/fail, rather than needing a grade... beyond grad school, who cares??)

The end of the third hour finally struck; my torture was over.  Other students were definitely traumatized, but to a lesser extent: "I think I'll be luck to get 50% on that... that was the hardest test I've ever taken." 
For me, I was wondering if it was possible for me to get 20%... I spoke more about the test with Jen afterward, and this confirmed my fears.  In texting with Nicole about it later, she was surprised and depressed too.  We had been praying for God to once again come through in crazy ways, but it looked like our prayers did no good.  Except perhaps to help me to actually keep staring at the impossible test instead of sobbing like a two year old.

After the test, I also heard about a chemistry student who had been in the class and was told by the professor to drop so that he didn't fail... I also heard about 2nd years that will be in both our E&M 2 class AND our Quantum Mechanics 1 class next quarter... so people do apparently fail classes... eeg. 

I didn't even want to think about not being allowed to take E&M 2 and having to find other classes to take instead, or getting kicked out of the program...

The final was on Monday, and I heard nothing from the professor for over a week.  Grades were due yesterday, and as of 5pm, he still hadn't posted anything... ARGH (I had been checking religiously since Monday).  I finally checked once more at the end of the day, 9:30pm, and I got this:

I PASSED!?!  I don't understand how this is possible, so it must be God at work.  I am so grateful to have passed E&M 1... it's a huge relief.  I feel like I can finally relax in earnest.  I can do grad school; He will see me through it.  Thank you, God.

Full of Thanksgiving

...the food coma is just starting to wear off :-P

Really though, Thanksgiving was a great time.  My aunt and uncle who currently live in Germany made the trip, my grand-aunt (?) flew out from the East Coast, and my brother even flew up for a less than 48-hr trip. And I got to see my cousin who lives in SF, and lots of extended family from my Mom's side!  It was great to see and spend time with so much family!  I especially enjoyed getting to show my parents around SC the weekend before :-)

Then I returned and received more cause for thankfulness: a morning of church with a friend, followed by lunch at a taqueria and a GORGEOUS walk along West Cliff (Sorry the good weather wasn't around for you, Mom & Dad).  And since the weather was so good, then Jen and I climbed a tree:

On top of that, we ended up having a "Roommates Thanksgiving" with all kinds of food from our families!  Yadi brought chili reno her mom made (legit!), Cynthia wanted to share noodles her dad made with us, I brought my grandma's chocolate chip pumpkin bars, and Jen made thick & rich hot cocoa.  We were all thoroughly stuffed afterward :-D

Finally, I wanted to share something one of my lab students told me today.  I so enjoy teaching the labs, especially when you get the sweet stuff like this:
"I just wanted to thank you for teaching our lab. I don't really like physics, actually I hated it... but you made the lab interesting and fun, and I actually enjoyed it! When you started talking about TAing next quarter's labs, I got excited, thinking I could end up in your lab again. And then I remembered that my major only required one quarter of physics lab, so I wouldn't be taking it, and I was kinda bummed. So anyways, thank you!"

So much to be full of thanks for... I'm stuffed with it!

Seeking Contentment

Today I got to play tennis with my roommate and two other first year physics majors.  It was a blast, and I can't wait to get out there again with them.  But I noticed a difference in today's hitting the ball around compared with other days of just me and Jen.  There was now a bit more of a competitive edge, a slightly different dynamic since we were both playing against opponents and with a teammate.  And so it was a little harder to give compliments, since it was a bit more competitive/jocular.

Just like this. (No, this is not me!)

For example, on one play, I rushed the net and completely missed the ball (pretty bad).  My partner reprimanded me a bit and then went to hit the ball, except she hit the ball at me! It was funny to get hit with the ball after messing up along with other incidents, but I found myself unsure of how well I was playing since I wasn't getting the same positive reinforcement.  After talking with my roommate, it turns out I got some good shots in after all.

But I want to learn to be content regardless of if I receive positive feedback.

Tonight I came across the blog of my cousin's friend and future head pastor.  It only has two posts, but both are deep and thought-provoking.
 

Can you thrive in a marriage that is not thriving?
(or in any relationship, like a rooommate, friend, etc)
The video looks at the need for positive feedback.  For instance, when I dry and put away all the dishes on the dish rack for several days in a row, I start to get a bit irked when my roommates don't seem to reciprocate in any way nor even thank me.  But, if I focus on loving them because I care for them, and not because I expect something in return, then I can become content.  In all circumstances.

(Check out the linked video above (opens in a new window), and the other blog post is interesting as well.  It examines the question, "What if Satan took over an entire city?"  I don't want to ruin it for you, so I'll just say it's not what you'd expect.)

P.S. My parents are coming up to visit tomorrow!  I'm so excited!

Why I am Awesome

^ That's what I have written at the top of my Word document for brainstorming about a personal statement (I'm applying for a NSF fellowship that requires a personal statement, previous research experience, and a proposed research plan. Whew!).  I decided to start with the personal statement, which is proving more difficult and involved than I had realized.

Why am I awesome?  I have many achievements and titles under the heading, but it feels more like a dead list from a resume than me.  I want to come up with some unifying theme, to connect my experiences and more clearly show my identity.  But then again, who am I?  

I know I am one in whom Christ dwells, the beloved daughter of the King.

But I don't know what that looks like in my life specifically.  And even though they are probably the most accurate things I could say, the Christian-ese would automatically be a turn-off in my personal statement to the scientists [a realm that does not look highly on personal beliefs].

I want to understand myself.  How I feel about myself rather than worrying how others view me.  How to live more confidently in my abilities.  How to put all of me together and present it to NSF in a succinct statement.

They say confidence is half the battle.
Believing you can succeed. 
Even when you know how much you don't know. 
Even when you stare at the limits of yourself.

Apparently grad school is as much about the emotional wrestling within yourself as it is the academics.

"I want to see miracles,
To see the world change.
Wrestled the angel
For more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause...
I'm singing, Spirit, take me up in my arms with you.
...I'm not copping out, not copping out..."
-from Switchfoot's Twenty-Four