Ransacked

This morning I found my car door ajar, my stuff ransacked, and my GPS gone. My car was in my driveway, not 10ft from where I was sleeping.

At first, I was largely frustrated at losing the GPS and my apparent failure to lock my car (since there was no sign of forced entry).  But I realized that besides the foolish loss of property, I was shaken.  I felt violated, unsafe, and vulnerable.

Just last night, I spoke with a friend about how some neighborhoods in the area are less safe and that I considered mine to be more safe.  But this too was taken from me.  I found myself jumping at street noises and feeling suspicious of people in the neighborhood, after just last night feeling safe and content walking to and from Safeway in the fading light.

Yet the more I think about it, the more I'm finding myself grateful for the experience.

I can now see a little bit of how much I find security in the world around me, and how that isn't nearly as safe or reliable as I thought.  And in placing so much weight on the stuff I can see (and feel like I can control), I'm not really relying on God for safety. 

Yet He's the only one with any true control over my life.  
Each and every breath I breathe is a gift of God. 

He guards my life.  And I can't compete with that. I have nothing to offer that can be bigger or stronger than the Creator of the Universe.

All I can choose is how to respond. I can cling to my fears and the things in this world that make me feel safer*. Or I can live into the truth that the LORD is my shepherd, and I shall not want.

The latter promises a freer life.  Simpler, yes. But happier. 
And I've just seen how the first can crumble overnight.
 
I praise God for this experience that showed me places I'm holding back, areas I haven't entrusted to Him, and I thank God for keeping me safe from harm.
(In this case, my possessions too – even the GPS unit was later found in the car!)

*As a disclaimer, I still fully support being smart about your safety – we have brains for a reason – and I for one plan to be extra conscientious of locking my car after I get out! :-)

Not Working

A true Sabbath always seemed impossible in my mind. As a student, Sundays were the key to getting things done before the week started. But I realized I'm not really taking classes anymore, so why not now? What excuse do I have?

This line of thinking started almost three weeks ago at a small group meeting where we talked about work:

• God values all work since it is cultivating Creation
• Work for God instead of other people/yourself
• And to that end, working HARD and giving your best
• But with that, it's also okay to take breaks when needed – God approves and it often makes you more productive overall!

Today is the third Sunday I've endeavored to take a Sabbath, both by not working and by resting. Both are difficult in their own right!

Not working has meant more discipline on Saturdays and the other days of the week, something I still lack.  The first Sunday of not working, I was so excited. I really felt energized and ready to face to full week of work! ...That lasted all of two hours on Monday haha.  It was a really good two hours!  But then I lost my focus, and the week piled on the work and sleep fell by the wayside...

(This is hilarious at 2am)

So, I still have some growing to do in discipline!  But even with the struggles involved with not working, it is really nice to take a break from even just thinking about things I could/should be doing.

The act of resting is one I'm also still figuring out... more than just not working, it takes an effort to rest. Today I lay down for a while and took some time to journal these thoughts.  I'm trying to find ways to create more space in my Sundays, spending less time distracted on the computer and more time being present. So far I've been able to connect with people more, and I hope that continues.


At this point, I'd say my taking a Sabbath is not working all the way yet, but I think I'm heading in a good direction. I'm trying to avoid legalism, and I'm instead focusing on the heart of what I'm moving towards.

In the big picture, it boils down to remembering and enjoying how God loves me!

Javert vs. Valjean

Last night I finally got to see Les Mis!!!
[Naturally, this contains SPOILERS if you haven't seen it yet.]

[all images from imdb.com]

The powerful story and beautiful music already captured my attention years ago, but the movie brought it all together magnificently.  Particularly impacting to me was Javert's gesture of respect to the boy. Utterly unexpected, and a beautiful glimpse of a softened heart.  This started a discussion with my companions on Javert, that later kept me awake in thought:

Why did Javert say Jean Valjean sparing his life cost him his life?  Why did he then kill himself? 

Javert is the law.

 

All of Javert's life, all of his being is dedicated to following the law. Justice as not just the ultimate, but the only solution.  A person who steals a loaf of bread to keep his sister's son is forever identified as a criminal: "Men like you can never change" The law permanently views anyone who does wrong as a failure.

But then Javert's world collides with that of Jean Valjean, and we see the clash of justice and mercy.  An act of mercy (and grace) redefines Jean Valjean's life.  He moves away from the law's mentality of "an eye for an eye," and an incredible life follows of him loving  and serving others.  This is expressed most powerfully by his decision to spare Javert when given the chance to kill him.  Javert recognizes the good and spares Valjean's life because of it, but he cannot reconcile Valjean's mercy with his rigid observance of the law.  Javert couldn't conceive of life with more than just the black and white of the law.

Besides answering an interesting question (and reminding myself of my long-past days of AP English), why does this matter?

Beyond the scope of this movie and beautiful story, beyond the country of France or any other, the law exists in my life. The law, like Javert, is relentless in its fairness. And by doing any one thing wrong, I become a criminal. A person not to be welcomed or trusted. [This may be hard to believe, but I've already done things wrong, folks.]

But, in an act of wild mercy, God created and offered the way of freedom from the law. He re-identified me as his beloved daughter, not as a criminal.  Much like the priest identifying Valjean as his brother.

 

"Mercy triumphs over judgement!"

Valjean and Javert each received a wild moment of mercy when they were facing death.

(Did you notice they both had been bloodied on the the side of the head?) 


Their lives mirror the two basic responses to mercy.  I can choose:

to continue in the logical and fair way of the law, 
even with its harsh and exacting requirements
-or-
to accept the unfairness of mercy and live in new freedom.

Unique Hazards

I never would've guessed the most dangerous unique hazard to me isn't even inside the facility...

...but just the gate to get in!

This gate revolves freely to let people out, but is more controlled to get in.  You place your badge in the box, call the security desk, and they push a button so that the gate allows one person in at a time. Pretty straightforward, right?

Well this time as I approached the unlocked gate, I noticed it was left at an in-between point. I could maybe squeeze to get in the front gap, but it'd be tough with my backpack, so I opted for the later gap.  Before I made it through, however, the gate abruptly stopped. 

My face did not.

I was left with a Rudolph nose, a headache, and a wonderment of "who'da thunk it?"  It's straight out of a comedy! :-)

Anyway, in part due to the slight headache, I wasn't particularly looking forward to the drive home tonight/this morning––3 am.  The main reason, though, was these rain dumps.  I had already made some crazy drives over Highway 17:
...where the rain was coming so thick from the sky and the road that my wipers weren't fast enough
...where I found all the potholes and ruts because I was suddenly driving through a river
...where the clouds are so low that you can only see the lights of the other cars, even in the middle of the day.

Disclaimer: I did drive safely those other times, and it helped that they were during daylight.  All that to say I wasn't excited about driving through it in the middle of the night, when it's already hard to see the winding road in front of you.

But I put on the second half of Roger Williams' seminar on "Yahweh Sabaoth: The Lord of Hosts," and that was great to hear.  It's already amazing just in that Roger was diagnosed with cancer in March, and this is the first he's been able to speak since.  And man, his trust in God through everything is beautiful, and I'm honored to witness some of it.  But then he's also describing how mighty God really is, that He can move the stars around, or stop the sun, or send a fire bulldozer in the midst of a raging forest fire to protect a Christian camp. Man, so often I forget that He can do all that.  Or at the very least, I don't live it out in the everyday.

Anyway, as I left Los Gatos and started the windy ascent of Highway 17, I came up on a small cluster of cars.  It made me a bit nervous at first because it meant I'd probably need to pass them or there was random traffic?

But as I got closer, I first realized they were going at a very reasonable speed, between the speed limit (50mph) and down to 10 below it when the conditions got bad.  I also became aware that they were going together... that even though it was less speed/gas efficient to travel together, they were staying in one line, as a group.

I quickly saw the value in this and stayed behind them. 

And the whole way, the cars lit up the road before me and also alerted me as to when I should slow down.

We took over the left lane when it seemed drier than the right lane, and it worked because we didn't encounter any other cars until we reached the edge of Santa Cruz (it was 3am, mind you).  I realized then that it was an entourage of two Mini Coopers flanking a sporty car, maybe a convertible.

And it clicked that if God is the Lord of Hosts, over all the Universe,
He could send a caravan of cars to guide me along the most treacherous highway, through the rain, in the darkness of 3am:

All those unique hazards? Totally within His power.
Thanks, God.

Be Prepared?

Tonight as I drove from one food gathering with friends to another such event with food, I saw a homeless man.  It was only out of the corner of my eye, as the cars in the left turn pocket drove away.  I didn't have enough time to read most of his sign except maybe "VETERAN" and "HUNGRY."  I wanted to just keep on ignoring him, but the "hungry" part got to me, and I found myself lunging across my car to grab a grown-up version of a Lunchable.

Rolling down my window and aware that the light was about to change, I called out, "Do you want food?"

He answered, "Yeah!  Just throw it!"

So I chucked my Lunchable towards him, and for a brief moment it looked like it would crash into his face (that loses Good Samaritan points right there).  But then it neatly landed on the far side of the lane, right next to the curb below him.

The light meanwhile has turned green, and I am still stopped with a car behind me.

He calls out, "Thanks!" and I start to move forward, half-calling "God bless!"

I don't know if he heard it or not. 
I also don't know why I hesitated. I think in part because it feels like such a canned, knee-jerk response, and I have much more thought behind it than that. 

But how do you convey the love of God in an instant?

"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have [with gentleness and respect]." (1 Peter 3:15)

That's something for me to consider and prepare.  
Any suggestions for a fresher response, one that feels less canned?

Deep Thinking

Two nights ago, I found time to watch a talk given at The Masters College entitled, “Why are we so distracted?”

By the end of the video, I was tossing my phone aside and avoiding my habitual clicks to Facebook.  

(I’m still addicted, by the way, but I'm at least more aware of the impact it has and slowly shifting towards a change)



I recommend watching it if you can; this blog will only scratch the surface.

But beyond raising my awareness of distractions, the message also got me thinking. (big surprise)

The speaker mentions he believes Solomon didn’t instantly receive all his wisdom in one divine instant, but rather he had to continue to work at the wisdom over time. 

The speaker gives an example from Proverbs 24:30-34: Solomon notices a run-down field while out on a walk.
When he ponders his observation, Solomon gains wisdom.

 

God had told Solomon to “ask for whatever you want me to give you,” and Solomon (wisely) asks for wisdom, which pleased God. 

It reminded me: God likes to give us things that honor Him.

And I wondered, what would I ask God to give me?

Since He likes to give us things that bring Him glory, it’s a worthwhile question. Not that I expect to be the next Solomon (pray that I don’t, based on how he turned out in the end, sadly). But it is the kind of prayer God wants to answer, so why not ask?

I endeavored to ponder this question… on the bike shuttle’s ride up to campus, during the minute while my lunch cooked in the microwave, and in little snippets like that. I wanted to come up with something Godly and yet also unique from Solomon (yup, that was a bit prideful).

I didn’t get any clear answers. At the very least, I realized I don’t leave much space in my life for careful reflection and prayer…

Meanwhile, Graduate Christian Fellowship is currently in the first chapter of James. Through the retreat’s devotional time this morning, God showed me how He helps you endure trials and overcome temptation:

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” (James 1:5)

BOOM. That put me in my place. 

Now I’m asking God for wisdom:

To know He is at work in my life even in the trying times.

To see past the fear and despair that cause me to sin.

To live in His Kingdom rather than in my little world of stress.

What would you ask God to give you?

Divine Interruptions

I'm currently spending the majority of my time studying for my upcoming qualifying exams, and I appreciate any and all prayers for me in this challenging stage.  Pray for me to stay close to God, where I am at peace, and to trust Him in each and every moment of every day.  He is being faithful, and I'm sure I will share more on this subject at some point.  For now I want to describe a cool adventure God led me through on Sunday.

It all started with an awesome sermon in the morning.  Here's some of what I heard:

Feeding of 5,000
The disciples were coming off an intense time of ministry, where they went without a cloak, stayed in other people's homes, etc.  They were ready for some R&R with Jesus, who was planning on it as well.  But when crowds followed, Jesus welcomed them.  The disciples were tired and didn't want to deal with it... But that's where God stepped in with a divine intervention.

"God's divine intervention for someone may be a divine interruption for you and your plans."

(From http://youtu.be/fC3FLqDgWRE)

Interruptions sounded like a frustrating and scary thing, especially since I am in a season of trying to focus!  But as we took Communion, I offered myself to God for His will above my own.  I knew it could entail things I didn't want, like getting distracted from studying, not passing my quals, and so on; but it also felt like my best bet.  So (even though I continually have to do this), I gave it all to Him… all the fish and bread I had to offer.

I didn't expect Him to respond so quickly.

After the service, my friend Terry was showing a young couple around the church and I was tagging along.  As we moved to the sanctuary, out of the corner of my eye I noticed a woman on a bench drop her binder.  Normally I'd try to ignore such an event to lessen the embarrassment the person must be feeling, but the woman did not seem to be quite right… she was somehow unfocused/too stiff, and not immediately diving for the binder and scattered papers.  Without a chance to think about it, I stopped down and began to gather the loose papers. 
This is where it gets cool.

The woman responded, "Oh goodness, thank you so much.  I was sitting here not knowing what to do, and praying, 'Dear Jesus, help me!' and all of a sudden you're here picking up my papers!"

I didn't even have a response, so I just kept picking up papers.  Terry and her friend asked the woman if she's okay and found out she was hypoglycemic and having an attack!  They offered to find her food, and she was able to find some in her purse.  She stabilized, and so I handed her the disordered binder.  She again thanked me and introduced herself, Robin.  I introduced myself and then we were separated as I continued the tour with Terry and her new friend.  But Robin and I will both remember that interruption.

I then had a lovely afternoon with friends from church, Terry and Rob, as they welcomed me into their home and showed me their beautiful farm… we picked apples, sat in the sunshine, ate amazing food, rode a HUGE rope swing, and enjoyed each others company.  It was a great interruption to my normal studying schedule, a real Sabbath.

I left with a big bag of apples and pears, a box of eggs, the first Indian corn of the season, and a happy heart!  I also left a bit later than planned, which meant I had to forgo cooking my planned side dish for the potluck and find a plan B.



I made it to Safeway not even 10 minutes before the potluck started (across town, mind you).  My plan was to grab some hummus and pita chips but I failed to find either and quickly gave up, resorting to a bag of cookies.  I skipped the self-checkout line (which always seems to take longer than it should) and instead headed to the Express Lane, where I recognized the friendly checker.  Seeing my single item, a woman with a big cart allowed me to go in front of her, which I gratefully accepted.  There was just one person in front of me, who was in the process of checking out.  I carefully prepared everything I needed for the checkout to go smoothly and efficiently.  But I started to notice the woman in front of me was not smoothly finishing.  She seemed a bit concerned about the price and wasn't getting her club card to work.  The cashier was very patient and eventually got the discount applied: "That'll be $22.77, miss."
Woman: "What? The price tag said 18.93, I'm sure of it!"
Checker: "Well miss, the only way to check that is if we go look ourselves..."
Woman: "I only have this $20 bill… see, I don't have any pockets, my mom just gave me this!"

All the while I am not getting to my said potluck, so with initially rather selfish motives, I found myself looking in my wallet.  There in my wallet, I had exact change for $2.77.  So I carefully gathered it and offered it to the woman.

She was shocked: "Oh no, you don't need to do that!" ("It's okay, it's just two bucks") "Gosh, I feel like a homeless person.  I'm not a homeless person, really!"

I assured her that I knew she wasn't a homeless person, and the checker also encouraged her to accept the money, so eventually she did.  She then turned to me and said:

"Thank you so much… my family is in a rough time right now, a relative just died and so we're trying to have some family time together, but my mom's out in the car having a breakdown, and I know this will help her."

Wow. I no longer cared about being late to the potluck… I was so honored to get to play a part in this story, and to play a part even though my heart wasn't in the right place at first.  It was as though God spent the day showing off!  Or, more accurately, revealing Himself and His heart for others to me.  I want to keep that perspective in mind each and every day, so that I can see the needs around me and allow for interruptions...


P.S. An interesting side note is the idea of need.  The woman at Safeway really did not want to be seen as "in need."  And it's so rare that anyone would get an opportunity to help someone that way.  It's hard to admit that we aren't completely self-sufficient and to then accept the help of others… it's certainly humbling.  I suppose this is something for me to remember when I am in a place of needing help from others!