Seeking Contentment

Today I got to play tennis with my roommate and two other first year physics majors.  It was a blast, and I can't wait to get out there again with them.  But I noticed a difference in today's hitting the ball around compared with other days of just me and Jen.  There was now a bit more of a competitive edge, a slightly different dynamic since we were both playing against opponents and with a teammate.  And so it was a little harder to give compliments, since it was a bit more competitive/jocular.

Just like this. (No, this is not me!)

For example, on one play, I rushed the net and completely missed the ball (pretty bad).  My partner reprimanded me a bit and then went to hit the ball, except she hit the ball at me! It was funny to get hit with the ball after messing up along with other incidents, but I found myself unsure of how well I was playing since I wasn't getting the same positive reinforcement.  After talking with my roommate, it turns out I got some good shots in after all.

But I want to learn to be content regardless of if I receive positive feedback.

Tonight I came across the blog of my cousin's friend and future head pastor.  It only has two posts, but both are deep and thought-provoking.
 

Can you thrive in a marriage that is not thriving?
(or in any relationship, like a rooommate, friend, etc)
The video looks at the need for positive feedback.  For instance, when I dry and put away all the dishes on the dish rack for several days in a row, I start to get a bit irked when my roommates don't seem to reciprocate in any way nor even thank me.  But, if I focus on loving them because I care for them, and not because I expect something in return, then I can become content.  In all circumstances.

(Check out the linked video above (opens in a new window), and the other blog post is interesting as well.  It examines the question, "What if Satan took over an entire city?"  I don't want to ruin it for you, so I'll just say it's not what you'd expect.)

P.S. My parents are coming up to visit tomorrow!  I'm so excited!

Why I am Awesome

^ That's what I have written at the top of my Word document for brainstorming about a personal statement (I'm applying for a NSF fellowship that requires a personal statement, previous research experience, and a proposed research plan. Whew!).  I decided to start with the personal statement, which is proving more difficult and involved than I had realized.

Why am I awesome?  I have many achievements and titles under the heading, but it feels more like a dead list from a resume than me.  I want to come up with some unifying theme, to connect my experiences and more clearly show my identity.  But then again, who am I?  

I know I am one in whom Christ dwells, the beloved daughter of the King.

But I don't know what that looks like in my life specifically.  And even though they are probably the most accurate things I could say, the Christian-ese would automatically be a turn-off in my personal statement to the scientists [a realm that does not look highly on personal beliefs].

I want to understand myself.  How I feel about myself rather than worrying how others view me.  How to live more confidently in my abilities.  How to put all of me together and present it to NSF in a succinct statement.

They say confidence is half the battle.
Believing you can succeed. 
Even when you know how much you don't know. 
Even when you stare at the limits of yourself.

Apparently grad school is as much about the emotional wrestling within yourself as it is the academics.

"I want to see miracles,
To see the world change.
Wrestled the angel
For more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause...
I'm singing, Spirit, take me up in my arms with you.
...I'm not copping out, not copping out..."
-from Switchfoot's Twenty-Four

Slugged!

That's about what this week feels like... but it hasn't been all bad!  It started with an awesome weekend getaway to SLO for the Homecoming football game!  I got to play in the 40-person alumni band (lots of recent graduates!), and I even got to pretend I was back in band again! 

It was also good to see some special friends again :-)









And, I missed these sunsets...

Unfortunately, the wonderful weekend came to an end with a traffic-ridden commute back to SC.  I guess they had to close part of 1-N for an accident, and the detour they chose was the equivalent of a parking lot.  So, it took over an hour longer than it should've to get back, and then I had to try to finish my homework due the next day... Tuesday I had my first set of labs to grade & hand back (22 lab reports, ~5 hours to grade), along with office hours for E&M.  Wednesday was the dreaded weekly E&M quiz, Wednesday night was grading midterms.  I graded one page of the test, which had 2 problems on the page... not too bad, except there were 200 exams!  It was really slow at first to try to figure out partial credit, but eventually, I was flying through just to get 'er done.  It ended up taking about 5 hours, just because of the sheer volume.  Fortunately, my roommate Jen had the bright idea of a grading party with pizza!  And that made it much better... even just being able to laugh with each other: "Why would the unit for a radius be in degrees??!" (you gotta laugh so you don't cry :-P).  I finished the night with some lab grading, which I fully completely Thursday morning before lab at noon, and then enjoyed a lighter night on Thursday of figuring out how to do the undergrad's homework (for the discussion section I covered today and TA on Monday).  Needless to say, I haven't had much time this week, and with that, I'm afraid I haven't had time to stay healthy.  Of course, the bajillion sick people around probably didn't help either haha.  I picked up a cold Thursday morning; and am now trying to rest up and beat it this weekend (which is much milder than last weekend, in other words, I'm actually getting sleep!).  Anyway, the whole point of this post was NOT to rant about how intense my week has been, but to instead share one of the little moments that brightened it incredibly.  On my way to my second class on Wednesday, in the middle of the intense week, I nearly stepped on this beauty:

I was so excited!  I couldn't believe it!

 Now I feel like a true Banana Slug.  And, I followed the UCSC tradition for good luck... :-P

But as I skipped away, I knew that it wasn't the luck that had brightened my mood.  It was the reminder that God loves me.  Enough to place a banana slug in my path on the way to class!

God story

...the story of our lives, right?  Anyway, I probably should be either trying to understand some part of my e&m homework or getting sleep, but I wanted to record a God sighting before it just slips by (they do that!).

To start, we need to go back a month, to when I was just getting started in the area, shortly before the start of the quarter.  I had been here long enough to visit two churches, neither of which I was particularly excited about nor connected.  During a phone call with a dear friend from SLO, Jewl, I found out she had been on a prayer walk at Cal Poly (with other people from FBC) to pray for the start of the new year and the new freshmen.  It finished with several different Christian campus groups singing worship songs in UU Plaza.  Which happened to coincide with when the freshmen were walking back from an event at the stadium.  Hearing about it made my heart long for Cal Poly, which has much more Christian influence than UCSC.  The influences here are much less conservative (and sometimes more obscure):

I commented to Jewl how that sounded so cool––public worship, on a college campus.  And:

"That kind of thing would never happen here..."

To cut to the chase, God decided to show me again that He has a sense of humor and enjoys proving "never"s wrong.  My roommate Cynthia and I found out about a Grad Christian Fellowship, started attending, and I got hooked because they let me play guitar with them in worship.  And gradually, I found out about this thing of many names... noonsing, "elevensing" or today, Tuesday Tunes at Two.

Today was my first day (they changed the time so I could come), and all the guitar players (3 today, 4 of us total) got together and sang worship songs together.

We sang these worship songs
outside a classroom building,
in public for all to hear,
at UCSC. 

Openly singing praises to the one true God.

Boy was I wrong, or what?  God is so good.

(This is from the camping trip!)

And so it begins...

I'm officially a TA!  It's very strange to introduce myself as Ms. Jewell... I feel like I am referring to my Mom!  It's also funny because every time I read a class roster, I apologize in advance for if I mess up students' names, since I've been through it a lot myself... and I can see the puzzled faces wondering, "Why would 'Jewell' be hard to pronounce?" Ha!  Anyway, for at least the first few labs, I've been trying to dress the part so they know who's in charge :-)

And then there's the classes I'm actually taking...  Classical Mechanics is very nice, with clear, logical lectures that closely follow the book.  E&M, however, is brain-melting.  The professor is brilliant, but unfortunately his mouth is almost able to keep up with his brain, so he talks about a mile a minute.  That, on top of the fact that the textbook (by Jackson) is infamous among all grad students/programs as being ridiculously hard, makes the class rather difficult.  So I'd appreciate prayers to pass/survive e&m... it makes my brain hurt.

Last weekend (before we got any homework assigned), I was tired of sitting on Facebook, so I decided to color!  The end result makes our front door much more happy in appearance, and I'm rather pleased with the creative license I took in coloring: (sorry the picture was taken at night with my camera phone)

Finally, this coming weekend looks awesome!  I'm headed on a camping retreat with the school's Grad Christian Fellowship group!  Fun times.  Annd Nicole's coming into town!  So that will make Sunday (and Monday!) most excellent.  I'm grateful to still have these good things in everything else going on... Praise God!

It's catching on...

Today I played tennis with another roommate, Yadi, which was great.  I still am far from consistent, but it's nice that I've started developing the callouses and muscles I need to play.  I'm glad she suggested it.

On our walk back, we took a quiet path near the library.  Two girls walked by, each carrying a plate of what looked like delicious treats, and within reach!  I was tempted to nick one as they passed but resisted the urge.  Yadi, however, joked, "Just for me?  Oh, thanks!" (though she kept walking, not expecting anything of her offhand remark).  The two girls, however, stopped and offered us some!  I happily took the offered treat, which turned out to be even better than it looked––it was like a rice crispy treat but extra crunchy and with chocolate and peanut butter.

As we licked out fingers and relished the deliciousness, Yadi commented, "Man, God must love us!"

I couldn't agree more :-)

His energy

Scripture memorization in 1996: The way to be the coolest kid in Sunday school, besides 

                                                       winning verse-lookup races.

Scripture memorization in 2011: A new goal to remind me of the truth.

I like this verse below because it reminds me that though I am working hard, it isn't my strength that will do the job, like my grad school theme song describes.  So hopefully (with His energy) I can absorb both the words of this verse and the truth in them.  Colossians 1:29:

"To this end I labor, 

struggling with all His energy, 

which so powerfully works in me."