Thirty-Two

The inspiration for this post came from a week ago and it's really long, but it's important so I still want to share it.

"Remembering the Victories" (click to listen) was the sermon we heard––describing why we need to set reminders of the ways we've seen God triumph in our lives.  I was blessed to be able to go to lunch afterward with two friends, Stephanie and Laura.  Over delicious burritos, we shared the ways we had seen God meet us and create a victory.

My story was about the ridiculously hard Physics GRE.  I didn't prepare enough for the test, and I realized it too late, the week of the test.  (Part of this realization was helped when the physics professor helping us study for the tests responded to my score on the practice test with, "Yeah, that's not a good score. Study more.").  Needless to say, I was freaking out.  I knew I couldn't study enough to be ready, and yet this was perhaps the most important aspect of my application to physics graduate programs.  I knew I just needed to trust God more and give it over, but I couldn't figure out how.  

The dreaded morning of the test came, and I asked a bunch of people to pray.  I also did my best to pray for myself.  When I got to the test, I was so peaceful.  I knew there was no way it was coming from within myself; I had already seen the chaos I produce.  But instead of being stressed out, I felt relaxed, at ease, and even confident.  I knew as I was taking the test that it was the best I had done. Praise God for meeting me in the struggle and carrying me even when I stubbornly clung to my fears.

Victory #1.

Then the scores came out:

I already knew that I had done well on the general GRE, but the Physics GRE is much more important, unfortunately:

There's a bunch of numbers there, but in short, my score was a 32%.  It means that I scored in the bottom third of the people who took the test.  To give you a better frame of reference, the one school that waitlisted me ended up with an average GRE score in the 63 percentile.  Once again, I freaked out.  Low GRE score + more applicants due to economy seemed to equate to me not being in grad school.  Except that I didn't really have a Plan B... grad school has been my plan throughout college.  This time really helped to stretch me and to try to look to God for my identity rather than academic success.

But then, miraculously, two schools accepted me.  One, called Case Western, is in Ohio, where I had an internship two summers ago and had connections, which probably allowed them to overlook my score (the floor for admission on the GRE is normally 50%).  The other school, UCSC, barely accepted me.  I found out that the concentration I applied under (experimental condensed matter) rejected my application.  And that was nearly the final call.  But another professor has a large applied physics group, and my application caught her eye.  She tends to discredit the GRE scores, except as correlated

to qualifying exams scores.  And something in my application stood out to her, so she let me in.  I credit that as major Victory #2 for God: I didn't qualify for either school but He got me in!

After I finished my long story, Stephanie suggested I use 32 to remind me of God's victory.  The idea took me aback; this would be the equivalent of celebrating an F.  And broadcasting for everyone to see how poorly I did.  But that's the whole point... it would be literally boasting in my weakness.  I love 2 Cor 12:9, but I usually leave out that part of the verse:

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

Christ's power sounds pretty good, so I guess it's time to swallow my pride and look for ways to boast about this... I guess I have a new favorite number!