It's a Christmas Miracle!

Sidenote: This is a fairly long post, but it's worth the read.  And at the very least, it gives a glimpse into physics grad school classes...

E&M (electricity & magnetism) has always been my weakest sub-subject in physics.  I'm still trying to understand some of the concepts in the basic version of it that all engineers and such have to take in college.  It was a class that I always barely managed to squeak by in.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to taking it this past quarter in grad school.  Every physics grad school uses the same ridiculously hard (and hard-to-understand) E&M book by Jackson.  It's been that way for years and I think it'll continue, if only to serve as a rite of passage for each generation of physics grad students.

I was further discouraged to find out that we had perhaps the toughest professor at UCSC teaching it (the other contender is the professor teaching E&M 2 next quarter!).  He's a brilliant man, but his mouth can move almost as fast as his brain... which results in him rattling things off and the class struggling to comprehend it all, let alone take notes on it.  My "favorite" moments in class were when he'd stand in front of the whiteboard, writing things that we/I couldn't see and then modifying them as he went!  It was hard for me, as more of a visual learner.  Overall, however, he really did seem to care and want to help.  We just weren't at his level of intelligence, so it was tough.

The class structure was weekly homework assignments (super tough), but instead of turning in the homework for a grade, we were given a quiz on one of the homework problems (randomly).  I had several consecutive weeks of scoring around a 5 (out of 10).  Each week, I was so thankful to be able to get any points... sometimes it would come from office hours right before, or a friend showing me how they did most of a problem (and then the quiz was that one).  Each week, I'd pray, and each week, God showed His faithfulness.  It really built my trust in Him.  I sent this to Nicole after class one day, after I had been freaking out before the class... she later sent it back to me as a reminder:

A week ago, all that trust came into question with the dreaded E&M final.  I had prepared and studied about as much as I could in the days leading up to it, and it was just hard.  Ridiculously so.  I looked at through the test and was nearly completely at a loss.  I remembered my brother's wisdom from his professor: "OK, I do know some stuff, there must be something I can do..." and I kept going.  After about 20 minutes, I had written out about all that was in my brain.  But I knew I couldn't leave; then it would just look like I didn't care.  So I forced myself to stay, to keep going.  The three hours dragged on... at times, there was nothing for me to write, but I stayed and tried to look thoughtful, tried to not breakdown in the final, resisted the urge to run away screaming (generally considered bad form).  I answered 2 of the 4 questions with some semblance of correctness (but no final/complete result).  Another problem I went off with a method that I think was completely off-base and wrong to even consider, but I needed to write something down.  The last problem, I was completely clueless on.  I wrote down what was given in the problem and was at a loss from there.  I ended up using the space to write a note to the professor, admitting that my final was sad even though I had studied and tried hard.  And that I was willing to do some sort of extra work to make up for my low scores if necessary, just please, please do not fail me. (Our program only requires you to take classes pass/fail, rather than needing a grade... beyond grad school, who cares??)

The end of the third hour finally struck; my torture was over.  Other students were definitely traumatized, but to a lesser extent: "I think I'll be luck to get 50% on that... that was the hardest test I've ever taken." 
For me, I was wondering if it was possible for me to get 20%... I spoke more about the test with Jen afterward, and this confirmed my fears.  In texting with Nicole about it later, she was surprised and depressed too.  We had been praying for God to once again come through in crazy ways, but it looked like our prayers did no good.  Except perhaps to help me to actually keep staring at the impossible test instead of sobbing like a two year old.

After the test, I also heard about a chemistry student who had been in the class and was told by the professor to drop so that he didn't fail... I also heard about 2nd years that will be in both our E&M 2 class AND our Quantum Mechanics 1 class next quarter... so people do apparently fail classes... eeg. 

I didn't even want to think about not being allowed to take E&M 2 and having to find other classes to take instead, or getting kicked out of the program...

The final was on Monday, and I heard nothing from the professor for over a week.  Grades were due yesterday, and as of 5pm, he still hadn't posted anything... ARGH (I had been checking religiously since Monday).  I finally checked once more at the end of the day, 9:30pm, and I got this:

I PASSED!?!  I don't understand how this is possible, so it must be God at work.  I am so grateful to have passed E&M 1... it's a huge relief.  I feel like I can finally relax in earnest.  I can do grad school; He will see me through it.  Thank you, God.

Full of Thanksgiving

...the food coma is just starting to wear off :-P

Really though, Thanksgiving was a great time.  My aunt and uncle who currently live in Germany made the trip, my grand-aunt (?) flew out from the East Coast, and my brother even flew up for a less than 48-hr trip. And I got to see my cousin who lives in SF, and lots of extended family from my Mom's side!  It was great to see and spend time with so much family!  I especially enjoyed getting to show my parents around SC the weekend before :-)

Then I returned and received more cause for thankfulness: a morning of church with a friend, followed by lunch at a taqueria and a GORGEOUS walk along West Cliff (Sorry the good weather wasn't around for you, Mom & Dad).  And since the weather was so good, then Jen and I climbed a tree:

On top of that, we ended up having a "Roommates Thanksgiving" with all kinds of food from our families!  Yadi brought chili reno her mom made (legit!), Cynthia wanted to share noodles her dad made with us, I brought my grandma's chocolate chip pumpkin bars, and Jen made thick & rich hot cocoa.  We were all thoroughly stuffed afterward :-D

Finally, I wanted to share something one of my lab students told me today.  I so enjoy teaching the labs, especially when you get the sweet stuff like this:
"I just wanted to thank you for teaching our lab. I don't really like physics, actually I hated it... but you made the lab interesting and fun, and I actually enjoyed it! When you started talking about TAing next quarter's labs, I got excited, thinking I could end up in your lab again. And then I remembered that my major only required one quarter of physics lab, so I wouldn't be taking it, and I was kinda bummed. So anyways, thank you!"

So much to be full of thanks for... I'm stuffed with it!

Seeking Contentment

Today I got to play tennis with my roommate and two other first year physics majors.  It was a blast, and I can't wait to get out there again with them.  But I noticed a difference in today's hitting the ball around compared with other days of just me and Jen.  There was now a bit more of a competitive edge, a slightly different dynamic since we were both playing against opponents and with a teammate.  And so it was a little harder to give compliments, since it was a bit more competitive/jocular.

Just like this. (No, this is not me!)

For example, on one play, I rushed the net and completely missed the ball (pretty bad).  My partner reprimanded me a bit and then went to hit the ball, except she hit the ball at me! It was funny to get hit with the ball after messing up along with other incidents, but I found myself unsure of how well I was playing since I wasn't getting the same positive reinforcement.  After talking with my roommate, it turns out I got some good shots in after all.

But I want to learn to be content regardless of if I receive positive feedback.

Tonight I came across the blog of my cousin's friend and future head pastor.  It only has two posts, but both are deep and thought-provoking.
 

Can you thrive in a marriage that is not thriving?
(or in any relationship, like a rooommate, friend, etc)
The video looks at the need for positive feedback.  For instance, when I dry and put away all the dishes on the dish rack for several days in a row, I start to get a bit irked when my roommates don't seem to reciprocate in any way nor even thank me.  But, if I focus on loving them because I care for them, and not because I expect something in return, then I can become content.  In all circumstances.

(Check out the linked video above (opens in a new window), and the other blog post is interesting as well.  It examines the question, "What if Satan took over an entire city?"  I don't want to ruin it for you, so I'll just say it's not what you'd expect.)

P.S. My parents are coming up to visit tomorrow!  I'm so excited!

Why I am Awesome

^ That's what I have written at the top of my Word document for brainstorming about a personal statement (I'm applying for a NSF fellowship that requires a personal statement, previous research experience, and a proposed research plan. Whew!).  I decided to start with the personal statement, which is proving more difficult and involved than I had realized.

Why am I awesome?  I have many achievements and titles under the heading, but it feels more like a dead list from a resume than me.  I want to come up with some unifying theme, to connect my experiences and more clearly show my identity.  But then again, who am I?  

I know I am one in whom Christ dwells, the beloved daughter of the King.

But I don't know what that looks like in my life specifically.  And even though they are probably the most accurate things I could say, the Christian-ese would automatically be a turn-off in my personal statement to the scientists [a realm that does not look highly on personal beliefs].

I want to understand myself.  How I feel about myself rather than worrying how others view me.  How to live more confidently in my abilities.  How to put all of me together and present it to NSF in a succinct statement.

They say confidence is half the battle.
Believing you can succeed. 
Even when you know how much you don't know. 
Even when you stare at the limits of yourself.

Apparently grad school is as much about the emotional wrestling within yourself as it is the academics.

"I want to see miracles,
To see the world change.
Wrestled the angel
For more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause...
I'm singing, Spirit, take me up in my arms with you.
...I'm not copping out, not copping out..."
-from Switchfoot's Twenty-Four

Slugged!

That's about what this week feels like... but it hasn't been all bad!  It started with an awesome weekend getaway to SLO for the Homecoming football game!  I got to play in the 40-person alumni band (lots of recent graduates!), and I even got to pretend I was back in band again! 

It was also good to see some special friends again :-)









And, I missed these sunsets...

Unfortunately, the wonderful weekend came to an end with a traffic-ridden commute back to SC.  I guess they had to close part of 1-N for an accident, and the detour they chose was the equivalent of a parking lot.  So, it took over an hour longer than it should've to get back, and then I had to try to finish my homework due the next day... Tuesday I had my first set of labs to grade & hand back (22 lab reports, ~5 hours to grade), along with office hours for E&M.  Wednesday was the dreaded weekly E&M quiz, Wednesday night was grading midterms.  I graded one page of the test, which had 2 problems on the page... not too bad, except there were 200 exams!  It was really slow at first to try to figure out partial credit, but eventually, I was flying through just to get 'er done.  It ended up taking about 5 hours, just because of the sheer volume.  Fortunately, my roommate Jen had the bright idea of a grading party with pizza!  And that made it much better... even just being able to laugh with each other: "Why would the unit for a radius be in degrees??!" (you gotta laugh so you don't cry :-P).  I finished the night with some lab grading, which I fully completely Thursday morning before lab at noon, and then enjoyed a lighter night on Thursday of figuring out how to do the undergrad's homework (for the discussion section I covered today and TA on Monday).  Needless to say, I haven't had much time this week, and with that, I'm afraid I haven't had time to stay healthy.  Of course, the bajillion sick people around probably didn't help either haha.  I picked up a cold Thursday morning; and am now trying to rest up and beat it this weekend (which is much milder than last weekend, in other words, I'm actually getting sleep!).  Anyway, the whole point of this post was NOT to rant about how intense my week has been, but to instead share one of the little moments that brightened it incredibly.  On my way to my second class on Wednesday, in the middle of the intense week, I nearly stepped on this beauty:

I was so excited!  I couldn't believe it!

 Now I feel like a true Banana Slug.  And, I followed the UCSC tradition for good luck... :-P

But as I skipped away, I knew that it wasn't the luck that had brightened my mood.  It was the reminder that God loves me.  Enough to place a banana slug in my path on the way to class!

God story

...the story of our lives, right?  Anyway, I probably should be either trying to understand some part of my e&m homework or getting sleep, but I wanted to record a God sighting before it just slips by (they do that!).

To start, we need to go back a month, to when I was just getting started in the area, shortly before the start of the quarter.  I had been here long enough to visit two churches, neither of which I was particularly excited about nor connected.  During a phone call with a dear friend from SLO, Jewl, I found out she had been on a prayer walk at Cal Poly (with other people from FBC) to pray for the start of the new year and the new freshmen.  It finished with several different Christian campus groups singing worship songs in UU Plaza.  Which happened to coincide with when the freshmen were walking back from an event at the stadium.  Hearing about it made my heart long for Cal Poly, which has much more Christian influence than UCSC.  The influences here are much less conservative (and sometimes more obscure):

I commented to Jewl how that sounded so cool––public worship, on a college campus.  And:

"That kind of thing would never happen here..."

To cut to the chase, God decided to show me again that He has a sense of humor and enjoys proving "never"s wrong.  My roommate Cynthia and I found out about a Grad Christian Fellowship, started attending, and I got hooked because they let me play guitar with them in worship.  And gradually, I found out about this thing of many names... noonsing, "elevensing" or today, Tuesday Tunes at Two.

Today was my first day (they changed the time so I could come), and all the guitar players (3 today, 4 of us total) got together and sang worship songs together.

We sang these worship songs
outside a classroom building,
in public for all to hear,
at UCSC. 

Openly singing praises to the one true God.

Boy was I wrong, or what?  God is so good.

(This is from the camping trip!)

And so it begins...

I'm officially a TA!  It's very strange to introduce myself as Ms. Jewell... I feel like I am referring to my Mom!  It's also funny because every time I read a class roster, I apologize in advance for if I mess up students' names, since I've been through it a lot myself... and I can see the puzzled faces wondering, "Why would 'Jewell' be hard to pronounce?" Ha!  Anyway, for at least the first few labs, I've been trying to dress the part so they know who's in charge :-)

And then there's the classes I'm actually taking...  Classical Mechanics is very nice, with clear, logical lectures that closely follow the book.  E&M, however, is brain-melting.  The professor is brilliant, but unfortunately his mouth is almost able to keep up with his brain, so he talks about a mile a minute.  That, on top of the fact that the textbook (by Jackson) is infamous among all grad students/programs as being ridiculously hard, makes the class rather difficult.  So I'd appreciate prayers to pass/survive e&m... it makes my brain hurt.

Last weekend (before we got any homework assigned), I was tired of sitting on Facebook, so I decided to color!  The end result makes our front door much more happy in appearance, and I'm rather pleased with the creative license I took in coloring: (sorry the picture was taken at night with my camera phone)

Finally, this coming weekend looks awesome!  I'm headed on a camping retreat with the school's Grad Christian Fellowship group!  Fun times.  Annd Nicole's coming into town!  So that will make Sunday (and Monday!) most excellent.  I'm grateful to still have these good things in everything else going on... Praise God!

It's catching on...

Today I played tennis with another roommate, Yadi, which was great.  I still am far from consistent, but it's nice that I've started developing the callouses and muscles I need to play.  I'm glad she suggested it.

On our walk back, we took a quiet path near the library.  Two girls walked by, each carrying a plate of what looked like delicious treats, and within reach!  I was tempted to nick one as they passed but resisted the urge.  Yadi, however, joked, "Just for me?  Oh, thanks!" (though she kept walking, not expecting anything of her offhand remark).  The two girls, however, stopped and offered us some!  I happily took the offered treat, which turned out to be even better than it looked––it was like a rice crispy treat but extra crunchy and with chocolate and peanut butter.

As we licked out fingers and relished the deliciousness, Yadi commented, "Man, God must love us!"

I couldn't agree more :-)

His energy

Scripture memorization in 1996: The way to be the coolest kid in Sunday school, besides 

                                                       winning verse-lookup races.

Scripture memorization in 2011: A new goal to remind me of the truth.

I like this verse below because it reminds me that though I am working hard, it isn't my strength that will do the job, like my grad school theme song describes.  So hopefully (with His energy) I can absorb both the words of this verse and the truth in them.  Colossians 1:29:

"To this end I labor, 

struggling with all His energy, 

which so powerfully works in me."

Nutella Novella

I haven't posted an update recently because I don't know where to begin... thus, here is a rather long update that is closer to a novella but also involves Nutella, yum... Cheers to anyone who reads it all!
Quals were last week, and I'm very thankful they're over.  I'm also very thankful for the prayers and support of everyone out there; they really helped.  I feel I did reasonably well on the two exams I prepared for, but I don't know if I'll pass those or not; it all depends on the grading (how generous they are with partial credit, how much they mark me down for mistakes, etc).  The other three were stressful even though I tried to not invest myself in them.  I still spent at least an hour and a half on each of the exams, regardless of if I had passed.  So, big week!

I've been enjoying my time off though.  Thursday, Jen & I had a mini early celebration of quals by going to the fieldhouse and playing tennis!  They lend you rackets and balls for free!  It was a lot of fun.  I need to work on getting better control of the ball (I like to swing for the fences... wrong sport), but I at least impressed Jen with my hustle to get to lots of balls.  And once she gets real tennis shoes delivered, we're going again!  She said she'll teach me :-D

Yesterday, Jen and I also celebrated finishing quals by making Nutella Cheesecake brownies!!!  Such a good idea.  The brownie part was a little bit disappointing, but I think with chocolate chips it would be better.  We also may have overbaked it a bit... the top ends up very gooey because of the nutella, not from being underdone as we thought.  That being said, the end result was still delicious AND it was even better today!  One of the few cases where brownies turned out better once they cooled... weird.  It worked out well though, because Jen & I decided to share brownies with the other physics first years and the department staff.  Always good to get on good terms with the people who run things... most of them turned down our offer, and were a bit surprised/confused to see students wandering around distributing brownies.
Once we explained that we were celebrating getting through quals and wanted to share it, people understood better and became very friendly.  Nutella Cheesecake brownies = great success, on several levels.  Thanks God, for these delicious things!


After quals Friday, I enjoyed a night with a good friend from SLO, Jen, & her boyfriend, who visited Santa Cruz for the night before heading to a wedding further north.  We hiked around the Garden of Eden (more exciting with last year's mudslides...) and then went downtown for a standard, Pizza My Heart, and to enjoy the interesting range of people there.

This picture is actually when I went downtown with my roommates for Chocolate (highly recommend their Sophie, aka liquid chocolate).  While walking on Pac Ave, we noticed this restaurant with all the waiters dancing and clapping a beat.  And then this guy appeared in a boxing robe, with Eye of the Tiger blasting, and he started doing tricks with pizza dough!  He juggled and tossed it every which way, all while keeping it spinning.  Cool stuff.

Anyway, Jen, Brandon & I enjoyed some delicious Marianne's ice cream (I finally tried 50/50! Half orange sherbet, half vanilla ice cream, ALL amazing).  We then spent the night at my friend Carol's cabin in Mount Hermon.  She was such a blessing in opening her cabin up to us, giving us a full air mattress, futon mattress, couch, AND sheets, blankets, and pillows.  Her hospitality was wonderful.

Saturday, Jen, Cynthia, & I all went on a bus adventure to try out the transit system and go to Trader Joe's.  The weekend/not-school schedule meant we had to wait a while for the first bus, but we learned that the secret to getting a bus to come is me finishing my apple and running across the street (to the other bus stop).  So I made sure to stock up on apples at TJ's :-P

Afterward, Cynthia shared some AWESOME Chinese chicken curry that she made while visiting her brothers.  I very much appreciated her sharing this with me!  That night, she also shared sushi with me that her Dad made & dropped off.  I can't say that I'm a fan of the seafood/seaweed still, but I ate one to be friendly and I appreciated the chance to get to try it again.  He did do a good job.  It was really cool, that quiet evening gave us a chance to share about our faith!  Cynthia is also a Christian, and it was encouraging to hear a little bit about her experiences with God.  She came with me to church yesterday, to two different services!  That was a huge blessing because it had been tough going alone to different churches and not knowing anyone.  We both thanked God for how he brought us together in this way!

Church yesterday also generally went better than other attempts.  I've become more aware of my preference against big churches.  They have a lot of good things going on, but it's so easy to feel lost in the shuffle.  I think the only truly distressing thing for me was when a church had two larger-than-life projections of the pastor on either side of the pastor, following him around as he moved... I didn't know where to look!  Yesterday, we went to Felton Bible Church in the morning, which is a simple, traditional church.  It was a refreshing change compared to what I've been experiencing.  A friend there recommended a church that's much closer to campus, so we'll try that out next week.  I'm also thinking of occasionally going to Vintage Faith.  It's a good church, with a great young adult/college community, but the messages feel, for me, more like seminars than getting into the Word.  Solid stuff still, but I'd like more time in the Bible.  But I might get involved in their 20s/30s ministry...?  I'd love prayer for figuring out what ministries and churches to dive into, because it's a lot of decisions approaching.

I also had a lovely hike/walk with Jen in the redwood natural reserve on north campus, and this time I remembered my camera!  There are so many trails!  I'll finish with a few of my favorite pictures (though I'm saving my favorite picture for the next post!).
Being in the beauty of God's creation reminds me  how great He is...

...and how small we are.

"The trade we all forgot to make"

Take a few minutes to check out this writing; it's worth your time:

http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2011/09/the-trade-we-all-forget-to-make/

Out of the five qualifying exams I've had this week, I would love to pass two.  I am about to go face one of those two.  I have been studying for this test throughout the summer and constantly the past two weeks.

I don’t know if I’m prepared enough to pass.

But I’m trading in my plans for quals, and I'm going to try to leave it in God's hands.  If He brought me here, He can carry me through, even if I fail every qual this time around.  Even if I fail every attempt at quals and am out of grad school.  The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I'll give up my carefully thought-out plans.  He's a much better thinker than even me; He can figure it out.

And besides, I'd rather have a party!

Glimpses of Glory

I've been catching glimpses of glory: God reminding me that He is here in Santa Cruz too.  On Monday, while I sat in my favorite study spot, I noticed one thin long strand of spider web, so delicate yet somehow strong.  And it only appeared when a breath of wind gently drew it into the light.  This still image can't do it justice, but it at least helps to show the beauty of this strand that seemingly appears out of nowhere:

I also was blessed with a quality cup of hot cocoa: 
I mean, seriously, how often does hot cocoa look like that?  If you know me, you know how much I value good food :-)


Tuesday brought on an intense day of Boot Camp review sessions (~5.5 hours of physics lectures).  But even in the brain-melting-ness of it, I was excited to be back in the classroom!  I do like school.  The professors were also very encouraging.

I wasn't ready to hit the books again after such an intense day, so my roommate & I went to West Cliff and enjoyed walking along the coast.  This was my favorite view (below).  The waves receded with crazy textures and patterns, and the sun literally made it shimmer and glow.

Spectacular, isn't it?  As if that wasn't enough, my roommate volunteered to cook food (in addition to the Jamba Juice we already enjoyed).  Homemade garlic mashed potatoes, stirfry veggies, and garlic bread.  We both left with awesome garlic breath and happily-full tummies:

Finally, the support I've been getting from friends and family has been amazing.  I so appreciate all your prayers and encouragement as I prepare for my quals (round 1) and adjust to grad school.  You guys also help to remind me of God's love; thank you!
With so many glimpses of awesome and so much encouragement, I'm well on the road to success!  Now I just gotta keep studying...
(while still keeping my eyes peeled for more greatness!)

Watch for God

^That's what the VBS bracelets say.  I got one because one girl in my awesome crew didn't want hers (it was too big).  So now I still wear it, as a reminder.

It's easier to watch for God here, in the redwoods.  Surrounded by gorgeous trees and fresh air, it's hard not to thank God for the beauty of it all.  The gray mornings give way to beautiful blue skies and sunshine.  And it's all visible from my room:

But in addition to the beauty of my surroundings, it's easier to watch for God because I need Him more.  Because it's a new place, because I don't know many people yet, because I have scary tests and classes approaching.

I also have more space in my life, with all the quiet around me.

The quiet and space leaves much more room for God.  We'll see how that one changes as the undergrads arrive and things pick up pace.  Hopefully I can keep my sanity by keeping Number One, number 1. 
This is, and certainly will continue to be, an interesting time.  I'm trying to adopt this song as a theme song of sorts:

If you're interested, I also found a sign language interpretation of the song (beautiful, but poor audio quality): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKdfe9xJq5E
Annnd I heard the story behind the song on the radio Thursday on the way to moving in: http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2011/05/09/The-story-behind-Strong-Enough-from-Matthew-West.aspx

It's cool how this season of my life is drawing me closer to God.  I find myself wanting to read His word, pray, and connect with Him... because I know that'll get me through.  It reminds me that God loves me.  I just gotta keep watching for Him.

Not enough time for prayer?

I need reminders like this more often:

"One of the great uses of Twitter and Facebook will be to prove at the Last Day that prayerlessness was not from lack of time." John Piper

He loves me

Between finishing up at Cal Poly, graduation, goodbyes, and a friend's wedding, it's been quite a while since I've posted on here.  And it's a time when I need the reminder of this blog so much, as I wrestle with losing the established and valued identity I've found in San Luis Obispo and in the loss, try to piece together who I really am. 

In some part of me, I know I am the beloved daughter of the King, one in whom Christ dwells.  But I don't know what that looks like, lived out, in me.  Since the statement is broad enough to be true for everyone, it (alone) isn't specific to me.  It still is true for me, and I'm trying to take the opportunity of vulnerability to soak up the truth of it, to let go of the other ways I try to find my identity.

God loves me.  And THAT alone is enough.  Regardless of if I get opportunities to perform or show off; regardless of if I get recognition or praise.  I hope I may grow into this truth.

Last night I was thinking about it, and I was reminded that God always loves me, through everything:

(Original flower photo credit: http://fineartamerica.com/featured/simple-flower-jennifer-englehardt.html)

Rhythm Restoration & Fighting for Good

I think I have finally recuperated from the Peru trip (which was at the end of March).  After the trip, I found myself inexplicably dependent on "snooze" to be able to wake up... It used to be that I always just woke up and was awake once my alarm went off, and I always wondered why people would even use the snooze button: why wake up any earlier than you need to?  But for the first time, I couldn't wake myself up without it after Peru.  I think I was just worn out, and it was perpetuated by the intense amount of traveling and other activities that I did on returning to the US. 

This morning, however, for the second day in a row, I was able to wake up without using the snooze button.  It felt great.  Due in part to waking up so easily, I was able to plan out my morning better.  I took time to get dressed, make a lunch and be ready for school before eating breakfast, which then left me extra free time without stress.  I had fallen into the bad habit of eating breakfast and relaxing right away because I was always so exhausted and half asleep in the morning that I thought food was the only way to get my body moving.  It was so nice to have a comfortable rhythm of life again.

And then, as I was getting my bike out to ride to class, I managed to lock myself out of my apartment.  With my backpack still inside the apartment.  My backpack that had my class notes, my writing implements, the handouts for a presentation I was supposed to give today, my carefully packed lunch, my wallet, my key to the lab, my key to my locker, my car key, and last but certainly not least, my key to the apartment itself.  Yup, I'm pretty talented.

I had my cell phone, my bike, and the clothes on my back.

The manager wasn't around to let me in, so I hopped on my bike and rode to class, preparing my excuse for not having the handouts and wondering who I could get some paper and a pen from.  I was also a bit frustrated with the situation and how it limited me... I suddenly was unprepared for class and unable to eat or buy lunch, among other things.  But I also realized that this frustration was probably Satan trying to mess with my awesome good mood.  Realizing that helped me to look at the situation and say:

"No, I'm not going to settle for losing my good mood to this frustration.  I'm not going to let Satan win like that."

So I didn't.  I looked for the good in the situation and realized that I didn't need my stuff as much as I thought I did.  And God was totally faithful.  We didn't end up presenting in my first class, nor even taking notes or getting new handouts. I found a pen on the band room floor and got some paper from the physics lounge to take notes in my other class.  I even enjoyed the simplicity of not having a ton of stuff. . .I didn't have to lug a giant backpack around nor make sure I had everything. . .it was all on me.  This afternoon, I made the short ride to where my roommate works to get her key, and then I was home again.  With my lunch.  And good weather, and a nice balcony to picnic on.  Life is good.  More importantly, God is good.  And I'm grateful that He won the victory today.  He loves me :-)

"Come, let us worship our social persona....?"

http://soundings.gospelmind.org/first-things-first

This is something I need to be more deliberate about, seeking God before FB... yikes.

Breakfast time!

Even now, whenever I type "breakfast time," my mind immediately jumps back to the high school houseboat trips, where one enthusiastic young guy leader would wake us all up by yelling "BREAKFAAAST TIIIIIME!!!" while ringing the bell as loudly as possible.  If one of the houseboats wasn't rousing, he'd run over, open the door, and yell it directly into the sleeping cabin.  Good memories.  But I digress.

 This morning, I had a delicious yet simple breakfast:

It took a bit more mental energy to think of something beyond just a bowl with cereal, and a bit of extra time to cut the banana and pour a glass of water.  But the breakfast was delightful.  I enjoyed every bite.  I think taking joy in the little, simple things helps me to appreciate God more.  Maybe because I'm actually living in the moment instead of rushing through everything.  

I also changed up my routine by not eating breakfast in front of my computer where I usually sit, addicted to Facebook.  Instead, I decided to try a more serene approach.  And why use a table when you could have a view like this?

I will miss this view...

I hope this appreciation for simplicity is something I can take with me to Santa Cruz.  At least I already know for sure that they appreciate nature!

Thirty-Two

The inspiration for this post came from a week ago and it's really long, but it's important so I still want to share it.

"Remembering the Victories" (click to listen) was the sermon we heard––describing why we need to set reminders of the ways we've seen God triumph in our lives.  I was blessed to be able to go to lunch afterward with two friends, Stephanie and Laura.  Over delicious burritos, we shared the ways we had seen God meet us and create a victory.

My story was about the ridiculously hard Physics GRE.  I didn't prepare enough for the test, and I realized it too late, the week of the test.  (Part of this realization was helped when the physics professor helping us study for the tests responded to my score on the practice test with, "Yeah, that's not a good score. Study more.").  Needless to say, I was freaking out.  I knew I couldn't study enough to be ready, and yet this was perhaps the most important aspect of my application to physics graduate programs.  I knew I just needed to trust God more and give it over, but I couldn't figure out how.  

The dreaded morning of the test came, and I asked a bunch of people to pray.  I also did my best to pray for myself.  When I got to the test, I was so peaceful.  I knew there was no way it was coming from within myself; I had already seen the chaos I produce.  But instead of being stressed out, I felt relaxed, at ease, and even confident.  I knew as I was taking the test that it was the best I had done. Praise God for meeting me in the struggle and carrying me even when I stubbornly clung to my fears.

Victory #1.

Then the scores came out:

I already knew that I had done well on the general GRE, but the Physics GRE is much more important, unfortunately:

There's a bunch of numbers there, but in short, my score was a 32%.  It means that I scored in the bottom third of the people who took the test.  To give you a better frame of reference, the one school that waitlisted me ended up with an average GRE score in the 63 percentile.  Once again, I freaked out.  Low GRE score + more applicants due to economy seemed to equate to me not being in grad school.  Except that I didn't really have a Plan B... grad school has been my plan throughout college.  This time really helped to stretch me and to try to look to God for my identity rather than academic success.

But then, miraculously, two schools accepted me.  One, called Case Western, is in Ohio, where I had an internship two summers ago and had connections, which probably allowed them to overlook my score (the floor for admission on the GRE is normally 50%).  The other school, UCSC, barely accepted me.  I found out that the concentration I applied under (experimental condensed matter) rejected my application.  And that was nearly the final call.  But another professor has a large applied physics group, and my application caught her eye.  She tends to discredit the GRE scores, except as correlated

to qualifying exams scores.  And something in my application stood out to her, so she let me in.  I credit that as major Victory #2 for God: I didn't qualify for either school but He got me in!

After I finished my long story, Stephanie suggested I use 32 to remind me of God's victory.  The idea took me aback; this would be the equivalent of celebrating an F.  And broadcasting for everyone to see how poorly I did.  But that's the whole point... it would be literally boasting in my weakness.  I love 2 Cor 12:9, but I usually leave out that part of the verse:

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

Christ's power sounds pretty good, so I guess it's time to swallow my pride and look for ways to boast about this... I guess I have a new favorite number!

19 cent Miracle

After getting an oil change, I stopped by Trader Joe's to pick up some random things, since it was so close to the auto services. On my way out of the parking lot, I noticed a woman holding a sign:

"Anything helps."

I rolled down my window and reached for the first handy food I could find, bananas. "Want some bananas?" as I pulled two free from the bunch. "Sure!" She hurried over to take the bananas, as the cars behind me started to pile up. Aware of their impatience, I zipped out of the parking lot, but not before I caught one last glimpse of the woman:

She was so full of gratitude and excitement that she immediately started eating one of the bananas.


The cars pressed on and I was swept away by the traffic, but the image stuck with me. This was just a 19 cent banana. And it alone meant a lot to one woman and her dog, while I may hardly notice the loss of bananas, and certainly not the 38 cents for them.

It left me a bit shaken up. I can understand why people drive by and pretend to ignore those in need: it's easier. It's way easier to stay in my comfortable bubble and pretend that everything around me is lovely; or, if it isn't lovely, it's clearly not my responsibility. But I am so grateful for these experiences that remind me:
1) how incredibly abundantly God has blessed me
2) how these blessings aren't just mine, they're also for me to share with others

At first, I marveled at how 19 cents was a miracle for one woman; now I'm convinced it was just as much (and probably more) of a miracle for me.
Thanks, God.

Explanations

First post. (Mostly because I'm procrastinating on homework, as usual)

The title of my blog may seem a little self-centered, and I'm a little sorry for that. I'm not trying to say that the world revolves around me. And I hope that even my life doesn't revolve around me, because that gets miserable fast. But, God loves me. And that's something that I too often take for granted as an inherent part of my life. Or I keep at an arm's length ("Yes, God loves everyone"). So, I'm posting it as my title and the name of my blog. At the very least to remind myself of the truth. And I hope that any readers out there can adapt it accordingly for themselves (in other words, substitute your own name).

Besides being an excellent reminder, the title expressed the most about my life. My entire life story shows how God loves me. And I hope that my actions and experiences will continue to reflect His love.

OK, I'm starting to get a bit too analytic/preachy, so I'll try to wrap this up with a brief explanation of the background image. This picture is from my first trip to Peru, when we had a morning of rest. I went on a walk to try to have an extended quiet time with God. I found an unfinished guard tower at the edge of our complex, and there I enjoyed some solitude. My favorite part was singing worship songs, some in Spanish, some in English. I can only wonder what people walking by outside thought as they heard this singing... Regardless:




It was a beautiful time spent with God, remembering His love for me.